I got two calls today from old high school friends who just wanted to check on me and make sure Im okay after I lost some skin whilst head butting my garbage can. Thanks Ron Jacobson and Donnie Dixon for checking up on me. I think I mightve managed to scare Ron away from retirement. If getting banged up as much as I do is in the retirement manual protocol, my pal says hell take a pass. I love you guys and also all of you whove left me in stitches - pun very much intended - with all your witty comments and roasting of me. If we cant laugh at our own pratfalls and foibles, then at who elses may we laugh? One things fer sure. Bleeding to death in a garbage can is an ignoble way to go. Can you imagine the obituary? Joe Palmer died suddenly at home earlier this week. He was sixty. Neighbors say that it appeared that he was head butting his garbage can when the can retaliated, knocked him down and tried to devour him. Emergency service personnel were called to the scene but none would get close to the can, which held Mr. Palmers corpse tightly in its maw, growling and snapping every time an EMT got close. Other EMTs said they couldnt tell whether the foul odor that permeated the air around the scene of the accident were decaying fish entrails or shrimp hulls or whether Mr. Palmer was so terrified he simply soiled himself when the murderous garbage can knocked him off his feet and locked its jaws on his head. A neighbor who didnt want to be identified said he thought Mr. Palmer was screaming and begging for help but finally realized it was just Mr. Palmers maniacal laughter and his oft repeated statement: I cant believe Im gonna die here in my front yard with my head caught inside a stinky-ass garbage can. Police and sheriffs deputies arriving on the scene first tried stopping the assault on Mr. Palmer by employing a tazer on the can. However, the tiny steel barbs carrying the electric current simply bounced off the hard plastic and one of them struck Mr. Palmer in the arse, causing him to shake violently for a few moments. Ultimately, another cop fired 14 rounds from his service weapon at the rampaging garbage receptacle. Of the four that hit it, one was believed to be the fatal shot that ended the attack and caused it to release Mr. Palmers lifeless body. The remainder of the shots hit Mr. Palmer, his next door neighbors chimney and the ice cream man. An autopsy is planned. Mr. Palmer is survived by his wife, two sons, two daughters in law, two grandsons, a granddaughter, two sisters, a brother and two Great Danes, both of which tried to intervene and save their master only to be picked up by animal control officers because they were believed to be dangerous and were outdoors unleashed. An unabashed pirate and lover of all things piratical, Mr. Palmer will be interred in Bosque Bello Cemetery in Fernandina Beach in full pirate regalia following an Irish wake with lots of laughing, drinking, carousing and singing of The Parting Glass and Paddy West, along with favorite rock songs, Big Gun by AC/DC, Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin and Yakitty Yak (Take out the papers and the trash) by The Coasters. In lieu of flowers, Mr. Palmers family requests donations be made to the Moe, Larry and Curly Academy of Slapstick Comedy. But if you just insist on making cash donations, drop them in the casket. Someone will appreciate the tip.
Posted on: Fri, 27 Jun 2014 02:12:39 +0000
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