I grow up with learning different religious . I was not very religious girl .i Went to church since 17 years old . I do Buddha mantra and Christian church the last few years on my own .after few incident happened in Christian life and make me lost the trust to stay in church . I spent 9 years build the trust to return to church . I finally went to church yesterday by myself for the first service after 9 years . The last was my best friends and family brought me there after my car accident and crisis in May , I was refuse medication and refuse food and admit to suicide in this way since january return from overseas to May. I became critical unstable mentally . Her mum pray to me day and night . I finally seeing where is the generous and genuine Christian are. . I run to the bungee jump And get out my frustration, I ran to diving and almost kill myself by asked silly request under my medical condition . friends have pushed me to eat and have spend load of time just like look after 3 years old girl have medication and eat and live . I have the most wonderful friends on earth . I really want to completely forgive few person in my life. Some people told me dont as usual . The scar that still can appear on me . Scar is here and always be here . On the other hand I can not forget and from some reason . I dont know why particular 1 person . I know he didnt mean to hurt me but for me I still not believe where is the excuse was ? put me as a scapegoat .i was totally trust him .this is the last wish I have from god . I ask god to give me power to forgive people that who been hurt me and betray me . I am still living with the guilty why I cannot forgive those abusers. Until I burn out the energy and I start to used the way to hate them . I feel guilty afterward. Then I used forget and forgive but in some of the point . It remind me those pain . I start react to become protective myself . I never hurt them and I swear . I just cannot trust them easily again . Why they so scared from me? What ever I said they feel I am their enemy . At the end I have to push them away and show that I am the worst person on earth . I really want to forgive completely. I really am but they cant even forgive themselves . the last calling from god I only want god give me the power to forgive this person . I give myself times and let god arrange for me. Yesterday I just pray to cry in the services , I learn again to leave the pain to god and let god arrange for me . It is because 1 year have been long enough to find the closure . It is completely torture that get into mental. If god arrange me to see this person again and I will but I just dont know what to do . I only can push people away . I cannot fix anythings .
Posted on: Mon, 28 Oct 2013 08:31:17 +0000
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