I had a pretty peaceful day on Thursday. I did just as I said I was going to do and that was lounge around the house and pretty much do nothing. Yesterday was moms birthday. I know it did not upset her like it did me that my dad passed near her birthday or she even said she would be honored if he passed on her birthday. We see things a little differently in our emotions and thats ok. We are each unique and are different people. I thought it would bother her yesterday going to the funeral home to make arrangements so I wanted to wait until Monday but she reaffirmed that she was fine and lets go. We did. When my dad passed, it was beautiful and he was at complete peace and there was a sense of joyous calming peace that filled our home when he passed. The next day was ok for me. Yesterday I thought I was fine until I had to start signing the documents. Oh how I had at that time wished that dad hadn;t made me his responsible party and power of attorney at that time. I wish we had gone and gotten that changed as my health declined but it of course was one of those things that you dont realize until it; too late. Maybe it worked out that way so that mom didnt have the feelings running through her yesterday as I did. She sat in the conference room with us and was very patient and calm as the gal read everything that I was signing and explained the entire process to me. As I signed, I felt ugly guilt. I felt like I was signing him away to someone else. Not his spirit and his soul but his body. I held it together pretty well all day and then when we got home late last night from running errands and celebrating her birthday, I went straight to bed. I still have a knot in the pit of my stomach today. I will have to go back there again early next week. They have been unable to give me a price since they are still trying to determine his eligibility of benefits through the VA and she also told me they were still waiting on an actual cause of death. So I will go next week again and sign more paperwork and pay them. There are so many emotions running through me. This morning when I woke up I had that tune running through my head from one pf those Gaither videos we watched over and over with him oh my Lord what a time um hmm when dad was in a great mood he would emphasize on the um hmmm part. then on the next from this old world to flee to live eternity :. I can see his eyebrows raising now and I know he is not done with his tour of Heaven to even have the time to mess with pulling pranks on me now but if he could, Im sure he would and then he would finish the tune In that fair land there will be no more night no sun or moon for the Lamb of GOD is light Its good to know that Hes prepared the way to a bright and endless day just so it would be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. If you really sit back and look at what I have typed or think about what I have said and what I have typed. He would not be pranking me at all. What is happening is that a melody has been placed inside me to send my attention elsewhere. Songs are usually happy and that particular one happened to be upbeat in tempo so if he did have time to look down on me, he is still protecting me. Man, this is going to get rough and then it will be ok for a while and then hard again. I;m holding up and doing the best that I can for myself. I do allow myself to let the tears drop when they feel like they are building up. Yesterday was the only exception because it was also moms day. I am not going to hold this grief in and suppress it, I want to work through it so that I never lose that joy. He would have never wanted me to misplace my joy. He leaves behind lots of funny, special memories to many of us. When they say He was one of a kind, that is no joke. I have never met anyone like my dad. He leaves us all with joy and laughter.
Posted on: Sat, 02 Aug 2014 16:32:55 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015