I had a thought come to me, thanks in part, to Darius Allesch. Everyone always asks me: Hey! Whats wrong with Oildale!? I usually dont have time to compile an actual list for people when they ask, so I figured that I would take the time to explain why my beloved birth town always ends up being the butt of my jokes. Now I make fun of Oildale quite often, but its hard not to when there are so many sad excuses for human beings to joke about. To be clear, not everyone in oildale is a low life or drug addict, but the face of oildale is that of a tweaker, and thats a patch on oildales jacket that they have sewn themselves. Without further ado, here is a shortened-list of what is wrong with oildale. 1. Tweakers The most obvious of my frustration, the Oildale Tweaker (latin: Tweakus en Oildalious). Now surely we are all familiar with the unfortunate methamphetamine epidemic that has spread across the country since the early 80s. What sets these Tweakers apart from the rest is their remarkable resilience. These are the kinds of tweakers who cannot fully spell their birth name, yet when it comes to cookin crystal, they magically have a doctorate in Chemistry! They will grab hold of various chemicals available at the dollar store on Olive Drive and wip up toxic sludge that can blind you from a 5 mile radius! When these Harvard Graduats arent busy cooking up bathtub crank, they are running about Roberts Lane selling various items that they recently borrowed from some poor sap that haphazardly forgot to lock up his shit the night before. Oh, and if you ever need your windows washed in a half-ass fashion, the guy who talks to you in broken Klingon does a wonderful job at the local Sonic Drive in. 2. Racist Extremists For those of you blissfully unaware of the beauty of Oildale, allow me to give you a brief historical rundown of her significance to the white sepremist movement. Oildale was a steeple in the Klu Klux Klan and their movement since before technology became a mainstay in our civilized society. Racism is of course everywhere, but the racism in Oildale is especially humorous, because of the way it is used. You will hear of white people using the same terminology that is prevalent amongst the evil colored people that they would like you to believe they despise. They will only act racist around the others to establish their sense of belonging amongst the other degenerates. Bare in mind that the majority will not recite their racial dialect once they are amongst members of the opposite race, most are far too timid to actually own up to their ignorance. 3. 11 CS Market I love the store, but they always seem to be out of lightbulbs, straws, and tin foil... 4. The term Homeboy I am tired of this phrase. Please stop using it. 5. Pink Team (This ones for you Marcus) At the bottom of the food chain amongst the local criminal groups in my beloved city lay the revered and feared PINK TEAM. I did not believe in their existence until I happened to see a fellow completely covered in pink attire throwing hand signs at me and a few of my buddies on Roberts Lane and Teakwood. I have nothing left to say, other than a question. If I wanted to join, do you guys still jump people in or do you just have a pillow fight until someone breaks a nail? Thats all for now, I will update this list when I feel like it.
Posted on: Mon, 02 Dec 2013 07:53:24 +0000
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