I had been upset after an encounter with an obviously drunk ex this weekend. I woke up this morning crying, remembering the last phone call I made to talk to my mom before she was drugged and still mentally present. He even took that moment to make his own and others while dealing with the hardest life event Ive faced because... I allowed him. I hold a lot in and tip toe around feelings not recognizing until its too late that I only hurt myself. I found it easier to be strong for outsiders and help them or spread myself thin amongst many distractions than deal with my own issues. My friend with me witnessed me being reactional and I was apologetic for being limiting. Avoiding instead of dealing. Hoarding instead of releasing. That ends up not working in the end. That is not how you deal. Its definitely not how you mourn either. Ive recognized that my Facebook has developed into something for me over months it wasnt intended to be when created in kc back in 2005-06 or whatever and despite the thousands of friends. Its definitely a tool I appreciate more. Something that grew on me while watching my family communicate through it and receiving love and guidance during a time of loss. It is a platform for your voice that reaches farther and better in one status update than however many important phone calls made to discuss the same current issue. You want to, but its not always easy finding time to catch up. It also catches people who are interested In your current life situations you may have forgotten want to be informed. So, thats my update I am learning to detach the irrelevant from significant better. I am opening up more. Days of not leaving bed because of depression are much more rare. My relationships are stronger and friendships genuine. I answer my phone, texts, messages more timely. I am present. I am aware of what I am being given and what I put out. ...And I LOVE this. Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone wont either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could. Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum Thanks you guys
Posted on: Thu, 17 Jul 2014 04:02:55 +0000
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