I had this feeling that there was this handbook that Id never gotten. It explained how to be -- how to laugh, what to wear, how to stand by yourself in the hallway. Everyone looked so natural together. Almost as if they practiced together and knew exactly what to do, even just the way theyd push the hair out of their face. My experience was pretty much the opposite -- I was conscious of the way I sat and smiled. And when I sat with another person I had no idea what to do or what to say. I could feel myself panic. It sucked. I imagined what people were like when I wasnt around -- how theyd compare notes on how I didnt fit. Or worse, they just wouldnt notice. So I tried to pick up the patterns. I wore what they wore, said what they said. I even wrote Smile More on a Sticky Note. Then over time it started to work, in a way. I made a version of me that fit in, whatever that means. So I found myself with the same problem I started with -- being terrified of the moment when my tricks stopped working. It took me too long to learn something: that even though there is a thing called fitting in, that its something that you can learn and practice, those pages are so thin compared to who you are, that the way to become natural, like I wanted to be so badly, is forgetting who youre trying to be to other people. And if there is a handbook, youre probably going to get to write it yourself. -Marshall
Posted on: Sat, 12 Oct 2013 01:47:25 +0000