I hate feeling like I do right now. I feel like a huge nuisance and burden, and full of guilt on everything I cant help. I just wanted to spend 5 minutes drawing what I was going to carve on my pumpkin, since I hadnt had a chance to even carve a pumpkin because I had all those damn surgeries. And yep, I had all day to draw it and carve it, instead of waiting til nighttime when I needed the porch light to see to draw it (for 10 mins tops). Problem was I didnt feel like it, I had a minor spurt of feeling half assed energized enough to just get the drawing out of the way and then Id do the carving at a later time. I had thought everyone would be excited I was home instead of the hospital, instead Im starting to think the polar opposite of that. Everyone wonders why, and worries about my level of depression, but Ive spent months listening to the snide comments and hurtful ones that everyone thinks I am too deaf to hear, without saying a word. How I need to tough it out and suck it up, how in their eyes my job id basically more important than my health and everyone being mad at me and saying things if I leave work early when I literally CANT do what I use to. I CANT toughen out some crap. Its easy to think from the outside, without truly being in my body to know how I feel and hurt, that I should be able to just suck it up. But if youve never had a broken shunt or experienced the feeling of ICP issues, dont tell me to suck it up. Just cause you can suck up back, neck, and leg problems doesnt mean I am capable of ICP problems. Id trade you. Id gladly trade my head for 90% of the people reading this head. No one bothers remembered I never left work sick before I was sick and how embarrassed/nervous I am asking to leave now.. knowing Im going to have to deal with the disappointment on everyones face, the pissy comments, and the disgust and venom in everyones words when I do have to ask. Making me feel guilty because my daughter woke up and cried for me while I was gone like I was joyriding the roads, without even asking why/where I was gone.. when I was puking sick and at the hospital in immense pain. And yep, you didnt know, but made me feel like shit before even asking. Then blame me that it was my fault you make me feel like shit because I didnt tell you I was at the hospital first. When I dont go anywhere especially in the middle of the night unless Im sick and Im going to the hospital on occasion. I feel like a big burden and am too scared to even open the door to go in and out of the house now, cause I been doing that all day, just running in and out (I have been going in to take my medicine and back out where its peaceful and I like it. At least Im not in anyones way sitting outside.) I guess when I finally kick the bucket then the power bill wont be so high and everyones burden will be lifted. After spending months of listening to the things everyone thinks I cant hear, youd be depressed too. Itd be so much easier if half everyone would take 5 Damn minutes to try understanding my feelings and me, and how everything has impacted me too. Ive lost all my friends (Hell, I pretty much lost my only close friends I had in the past month or so, pretty much because I never talked to them as much, when I havent felt like talking to anyone.. but that didnt prevent them from telling me they didnt care and deleting my ass anyway and ignoring me trying to talk back.. the other because Hell idk why, just decided to stop coming around), all the things I like doing, the control of my body, the ability to have pain free days, understanding of my point of view, and the respect of myself as a person.. all this year. And gained everyones hurtful words, made fun of, and the ability to apparently do anything freaking right or good enough anymore, depression and as of late, self-loathing.
Posted on: Mon, 11 Nov 2013 01:07:12 +0000