I have 7 cents to my name until December 1st. Beautiful. (that was sarcasm) I ask for so much from my auntie.. and i feel so guilty... I just did my December budget and.... well.. i wanna beat my head against a brick wall... I do not know how I am expected to live on what the government deems as appropriate since i am medically unable to do any kind of consistent work... I mean i can be down, unable to even care for my own personal needs at times, its that bad, a bad fibromyalgia flare can lay me up, and last days to weeks to months. And in recent weeks, due to this thing on my hip, its cut down my activity abilities even more. Ive been weak, more fatigued than the already extreme fatigue fibro gives me, fevers, stomach issues, and the pain... its on my hip, really deep, and has effected my leg, my walking, and up into my back/spine. Ive had to walk with a cane, simply to make sure i can be stead and not put too much pressure on that leg. I do it all alone, all the bills, rent, etc alone on $721 a month. $50 on snapp. Some medicaid that does not cover all my expenses. But i actually have help to survive. Thered be no groceries without help. anything that needs to be replaced, my auntie puts herself further in debt to provide it. What am I gonna do when she is gone? I am so scared. So frustrated. I need a car to boot. I started a go fund me for help getting a car but its not going anywhere... I just wanna beater that is basic transport for the grocery store, doctors appointments, church, etc..I have no social life and no money to do anything or go anywhere.. but, i need transportation, ya know? I cant walk (and whats bad is almost all i need is within walking distance! for the average person!) No public transportation. Meanwhile everything keeps getting more expensive, grocery shopping is the most depressing thing ever, because, my diet is so limited, translate that into more expensive. I go, i have a list. i get half of what i need, enough for 3 or 4 days, then, want to break down and cry because I am out of money. Thats with the help i get, going with Snapp is horrible. $50 when you have to buy healthy foods? not even a weeks worth of groceries. I have to eat healthy because i had gastric bypass, i am hypoglycemic, and diet drastically effects my fibromyalgia symptoms. The nerve stuff chills a lot when i eat organic. When i avoid corn syrup. Avoid all corn products actually. Something about corn sets off my blood sugar and nerve stuff. I am scared to death of coming to a place where i have no food, and i pass out due to low blood sugar, and no one finds me...I have to eat 3 meals and one snack. Thems the rules. Sometimes 2 snacks for blood sugar stuff. I drop so easily now. So much has happened in the last year... with me, my aunt, friends turning on me, almost died due to doctor negligence, and now possibly a tumor... I am about to break.. I have been thru so much in my life, and i am strong as an amazon.. but, everyone has a breaking point, and i am so tired, in body,mind, and spirit...I am exhausted in every way...I see nothing in my future either.. fibro has stolen it all. It has stolen all possibilities of a normal life, Of pursuing my writing career, of ever finding love and companionship.. It has stolen my life, and its been doing it for 22 years, and i suffer daily because of it, also in body, mind and spirit...I have no hope for anything... i have nothing to look forward to. I just exist. A giant suck on the world, and the very few who care for me. I carry so much guilt.. i feel like a burden. I am so tired... i just want some rest, or joy. or normal that would be nice... just normal... ugh I am so stressed right now... which, is so obvious, since i am emoting all over facebook to you guys... sorry but i have to vent, move on, nothing to see here... some of you are going thru some of the same kinda stuff, you get it, those who dont thats ok.. most people dont understand me and i am often misjudged sometimes to an extreme. so, its ok, just move on. xoxo-H
Posted on: Tue, 11 Nov 2014 04:29:14 +0000