I have been asked by a few friends to share this post again. It has been a month now. I am healing both physically and emotionally. Emotions are tricky things, some days are so tough. I am so very thankful for my family, friends and for this outlet of Facebook to share my feelings. It amazes me how my post has been shared to friends of friends of friends and by God to help heal other moms and families. I owe so much to my rock, Josh. Please continue to share my story, you never really know who it could help. .................................. This is my most personal, most intimate post Ive ever written... There are 3 main reasons I decided to publicly share this deeply emotional event in my life from the past week: - help other mothers who have gone through this and those who will - help the families and friends of those mothers - and selfishly, I believe this will assist in my emotional healing This is my story... On Joshs 34th birthday in November, we were lucky and had an ultrasound at 7.5 weeks pregnant. The baby was perfect and measuring a little bit bigger, the heart beat was strong. The flicker was calming. We shared the great news with the boys at this ultrasound. Beckett was beyond ecstatic, jumping up and down. He envisioned this new baby and was full of the mysterious questions. He treasured watching the heartbeat on the black and white screen. I had pregnancy symptoms of 24/7 nausea and exhaustion from week 4. I tried not to mind it though, it was reassuring. We shared our happy news with a few family and friends, who all shared in our joy. Weeks go by, Beckett asked everyday if he can tell his friends about the baby and Merrick prays at dinner for the baby in mommys tummy. We were planning, preparing. Josh was already thinking of cool ways to announce by video on facebook. Everyday I envisioned my baby growing from mustard seed to sweet pea to kumquat. Id lay extra still in the darkness of night waiting for those first kicks, pure little love nudges. The dreams came, boy or girl. Do we even have another boy name we can agree on? Family of 6, it was starting to feel right, feel real. I prayed for this baby, like all my babies. That they be strong in Christ, healthy and know love. This baby, like all my boys, was longed for. And I had pure joy in my heart, simply overcome by all my blessings. Then the worst moment of my life... I walked into the routine 11 week checkup. On the ultrasound was clear stillness. My world fell apart at that moment, I was barely breathing. I knew immediately. At this point, Beckett was still watching, talking about how cute and little the baby was. I gently asked him to play with his brothers on the iPad in the corner of the room. I turned robotic, partly because my 3 boys were with me, partly because of my history of being an RN in labor and delivery for 8 years. I listened to my wonderful Dr., my friend, lay out my options. Since the baby was still small, I chose the best way for us would be to go home and let nature take care of my baby. Obviously, I was in shock. Walking out of that office, passing a beautiful pregnant mom, was an out of body experience. I called Josh and could feel my heart being ripped apart. Crawling into bed, I sobbed like never before. Why us? Why my baby? Did I do something wrong? Desperation, Devastation, Doubt, Shock, Anger, Depression. These surrounded me. Here is my honesty. How did I feel? I felt like there was no happy ending. I felt lost and completely alone. I called my mom and messaged those close to me. One by one they showed their love and support by food, flowers and hugs. The next few days were a blur. So thankful my mom could come stay with us and dad could visit. Physically, the pain started and emotionally, the pain was deepening. Then I reached out, I reached up. God, you must think Im strong to give this tragedy to me. But I know you are strong enough for the both of us. Im looking up now, Im at my lowest point. I just need your hands of mercy to cover me. Im at a total loss for words, just waiting for You to speak. God I need You now. I want to rest in your holiness. The days passed. Friday came and my baby arrived earthside. Jesus will hold you until mommy and daddy can later. You have heaven before us. I will carry you all of my life and give praise to the One who chose me to carry you, my perfect angel. Who else could love my baby more than this? My Lord came to me, answered my cries, through the love of my family and friends, through the laughter and joy of my amazing boys, and through alone time. He hears every prayer, every time I cry out He hears me. My faith has increased through the pain and loss. Here is what I know for sure: - we are here for but a moment in time - we each have a special mission that only we can complete - all babies are perfect MIRACLES, at only 11 weeks, my baby was completely formed. Impeccable, Splendid, Blameless - the Lord loves each of us, we were all chosen and known by him before being formed in our mothers womb I am thankful for the 11 weeks, for amazingly supportive family and friends, for the essential joy that radiates from my boys, and for the immeasurable love of our God. It is not easy, everyday is a roller coaster. Im feeling the need to be withdrawn, but Im allowing myself time. Time for complete healing. I wont be holding this baby in June, but I will be getting stronger every day. And we will be reunited someday. Sometimes blessings come from raindrops, and healing comes through tears. When darkness seems to win, that pain reminds my heart that this is not our home. What if the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst for something this world cant satisfy? What if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise? - Laura Story Blessings 1. For the moms that find themselves in a similar situation, I am sorry. Unfortunately 1 out of 5 recognized pregnancies ends in a miscarriage. Do not feel like you need to tell everyone, your husband or other trusted friend can do that for you and take the pressure off. Do not feel guilty if you need to be anti-social. Realize that you may not appreciate all the attention and sympathies from loved ones, but just know that they are doing their best and it all comes from a place of love for you. Reach out for help, do not keep taking on the world. Rest! No matter how many weeks your baby was, your loss is still a loss. And you have a right to work through it. Things that help me are quietness, heating pad and Advil, peaceful and Christian music, relaxing and healing essential oils, praying and meditation, knowing that my mom and hubby were talking care of my boys, and chocolate. 2. For the friends and family of moms going through this, they need you even if they cant ask for help. You can never go wrong simply showing your loved ones LOVE. And that means something different for everyone in any relationship. If that means cooking a meal, do it. If that means picking up the other kids for a play date, do it. If that means sending messages, do it. If that means praying, do it. If that means getting groceries and the necessities for physical healing, do it. She needs to only take care of herself right now. Just understand that she feels alone, distraught, and perhaps like her body failed her. There is nothing to say to take the pain away. She probably doesnt want to even talk. Dont say- You can try again. Everything happens for a reason. Be thankful for the kids you have. There must have been something wrong. I understand how you feel (even if youve had a miscarriage, everyone feels uniquely). Do say- Im sorry. What can I do to help? Your feelings are valid. If she is open to visiting, you can just sit and hug, no real reason to start a conversation unless she opens up. - Husbands - You have had a loss too. Im sorry. Protect her space from too many messages, visitors and distractions. She needs to only concentrate on her own healing right now. You will not totally understand, but try to be understanding with moods swings and off the wall comments. At this moment, your wife is a different person. Love her, let her know you are here. Bring her sweet, thoughtful gifts and notes. Offer her a massage. Hold her while she cries. Pray for her and with her. Thank you for reading my story. I hope this can somehow help someone close to you. Feel free to share. I hope this sheds light on an very private and personal tragedy many women experience. Its not your fault, your not alone, its okay to feel the way you feel.
Posted on: Thu, 15 Jan 2015 22:34:45 +0000
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