I have been carrying a certain level of darkness in me within the past 3 1/2 years. Scars so deep of words and torments that I should have found ways to prevent traumas in my life. Seems every six months something horrific happens and I am put back to place, believing I belonged in this hell of a life I was in. Believing I had made a vow chaining me toward this destiny. I contemplated sharing this side of me with anyone. I tried hiding it from so many people, very few people aware of the darkness and desperation hiding within my soul. Some of you know, most dont, I battled with suicide for 3 1/2 years. The only thing that saved my life everyday was my children. Knowing they needed me in everyway. This would have been an abandonment they would have never been able to overcome. Why am I sharing this now? October was the last time I was in that dark place. One day in October I pulled myself up off the ground and decided it was time to get healed. I started seeing a doctor, they tried so hard to get me on medications, I refused! Determined to heal me from the inside and not mask the darkness inside of me. I got in touch with my faith. I sat in the front of church that day and as we were singing Come Spirit Come I sang from the heart with tears streaming down my face. I listened to the sermon that day, I could not tell you what it was, but I know that day I decided it was time for me to forgive and to forgive not for the benefit of another, not for demons that surrounded my life, but to forgive so that I can finally be free of these chains and move forward with my life, our life. There are certain things I am still working on, however, today I can say I cry, but its a normal cry, not self defeating, broken, hopelessness. All these years that people have told me how strong I am they never realized how much I repelled the word. I never saw my strength, because what all of you did not know, is that I have scars you cannot see, a knowledge that the only reason I was hanging on to life was for my five children, and that I had no strength, I just had no choice. Today I want to celebrate, today I can tell you I have strength, today I can tell you I have won. Not with medications, but with sheer determination. I was tired of being that broken girl on the floor. I have been dang near 6 months suicidal free. And I post this not for attention or praise, but for someone else out there that may be in that dark place that no one knows is in there, because you hide it from the world. Afraid of how people will see you, afraid of never overcoming this. This is me telling you that you can, and that it takes time, give yourself time. I hope one day to hear from you as you reach out to tell me that you too have beat that demon in you, and I hope my words have helped you win this fight. You are worth living, you are worth loving. We all are, and you have to believe in this, believe in you.
Posted on: Sun, 30 Mar 2014 22:14:03 +0000
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