I have been chronically ill for the past 7 years - spending about 2-3 months a year bed ridden/ in hospital and then the following 3 months recovering, rebuilding all my muscle that atrophied. I know I will be sick for my entire life (how chronic illness works) but this year I was led to believe I would be okay for at least a few years and could get on with my life to some degree. This illness has changed everything about me. From my neck down i am scarred, I have arthritis, I’ve had my skin fall off, I have known not being able to walk, and how it feels to wonder if I ever will again. I have come back from complete mental ands physical exhaustion many times over, and thats something I am proud of. I believe in extracting the good front he bad, and I feel like its given me strength. I am not a complainer either, despite submitting this, Im giving myself a freebie. But today something changed. The aforementioned are just some of my personal battles. Every single member of my immediate family is going through extremely abnormal and severe challenges. These also weigh on me heavily. I had made peace with being alone - no big deal, i believe there is more to life. I am a realist. I used to be pretty, but sickness/ life happens and I know how guys are, and what they like. Looks havent ever meant much to me anyway. But I met this guy - on tinder believe it or not, and we actually started dating ( Note: I was on tinder because I was board and lonely. I had no intention of meeting up with anyone. But We just clicked. Like I said, he was special..) He is smart, like me. We talked politics and philosophy - things people our age tend not to value. I told him my secrets, deep dark ones I have never shared, about my PTSD. I (a very stubborn person) set down all my preconceived notions about how any relationships would play out for me. He was so unique, we both were. He didnt mind my scars, and made me feel like someone could look past my medical shortcomings He broke down the walls build by months of illness and isolation. When we talked about futures, I felt like it wasnt unrealistic to have someone by my side. I never believed this was possible, the idea of being a burden sickens me, and he made me see it in a different light. One were if you love a person, their battles are also yours. I have NEVER been a romantic, ever, but he changed all of that. Then, yesterday I found out I am sick again, I am heart broken. I have had less than 5 months to try and build some sort of life since my last encounter. I will need major, life changing, mutilating surgery. It will be the concluding physical attribute sealing my coffin as far as relationships. I had made my peace with this as I said, until I met him. He gave me hope I hadnt felt in years - hope for a normal ish life. Then, Today, he dumped me for religious reasons, he did ot over text message from 1000 miles away, and blocked me on everything. He is religious, I am not, and he feels this is not something he can overlook. He has known my views since the beginning. Ouch. I have never known heart break, but I am more than familiar with the feeling of hopelessness. What a nightmare it is to feel them simultaneously.
Posted on: Sat, 29 Nov 2014 04:26:28 +0000
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