I have been given an award by the college. An award that challenges my emotions by creating an embarrassment. It was my perception that this award was a little simple scholarship award of small recognition. I have never, in my life, ever been given recognition on a scale that acknowledges anything I try to do. To me, what I have to offer at the moment is minuscule and insignificant. To me, it is not enough. While wandering from class to class on campus, while finding a nook to study and complete my homework, I engage with fellow students. Veterans, Native Americans, Pacific Islanders, the handicapped, and students who have perceptions that they may want to drop out of school because they perceive that they must not be made for college. As I wander from professor to professor, engaging them with concerns that I must be missing a point and engaging with students in conversation to see how their success is faring and what emotions they are challenged with for the day--other students will declare, your husband is looking for you!. My veteran will wander around, Oh! You must be looking for your wife. I saw her over there. Often he asks, who is this student? Or he will mention, that he cannot travel around campus with invisibility because of the number of people who are aware of who I am. This was not an intent. This was not a design by purpose. It is a simple side effect that I was not aware of until this award. As January draws closer, I am nervous because I do not know what to write for my speech. I am embarrassed that this State wide recognition is such an ordeal because I do not understand what this big deal is. Transforming myself was important in order to better understand those I interact with. Popularity is not something that is important because I do enjoy disappearing into the background to watch and observe so I can target specific people with a need to help them feel important and empowered. It seems that the opposite has happened. I am not fond of having to go before such a large group of educators to speak. A piece of paper as a certificate would have sufficed. My stomach is in knots, the noise in my head grows louder as January and the deadline get closer. I was requested by another group to complete my scholarship paperwork for an award and this award has cause much anxiety and consternation with all the pomp and circumstance that I cannot complete the paperwork. I am nobody but a person who cares for the people. All people. I love people who need a little light at the end of the tunnel and push forward to try to reach that light. I simply try to elevate them and encourage them with tools I have discovered along my journey. That is so small. Unfortunately, it seems I cannot be a wall flower as much as I desire to be.
Posted on: Tue, 23 Dec 2014 18:40:07 +0000
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