(I have been trying my hand at fiction for a while now. This is one of my efforts.) THE (UN)PRACTICAL JOKE The often overlooked truth about practical jokes is that the one upon whom the trick is being played, the one who isn’t in on the joke, doesn’t always react in the manner the prankster intended. Jimmy Griffin was a dork. He was the runt of the litter in every group he attempted to join. He wasn’t smart. He wasn’t athletic. He wasn’t rich. He wasn’t much of anything. The only value his so-called peers saw in him was as the butt of whatever joke was being played at the time. With great regularity, his sack lunch would “accidentally” get knocked down and stepped on. Hardly a week went by that somebody didn’t come up behind him in gym class and yank his shorts to the floor. Within a certain circle, the question was always “What new stunt can we pull on Jimmy ‘the Geek’?” In her never ending attempt to assist Jimmy in his socialization, his mother was always signing him up for group activities; soccer, baseball, Great Books Club, you name it, Jimmy was in it. That’s how he ended up spending a week at the Junior Ranger Wilderness Camp. The trail from the parking lot to the campsite had a meandering maze quality to it, so it seemed as if the Junior Rangers, complete with backpacks and sleeping bags, hiked for miles into the great outdoors. But to tell the truth, laid out in a straight line, it was only a hundred yards from the tents to the tarmac. The Wilderness Camp bought into the advertising adage, “sell the sizzle, not the bacon.” The camp was laid out in a “C” shape with a half-dozen large teepees almost ringing a central fire pit. Along the open end of the “C” was the mess area, which was basically just a tarp ceiling strung up in the trees, sheltering a couple of food prep tables, a clean-up sink with a slop bucket underneath, and the food storage bins. The food was prepared under the awning, but cooked over the fire, just like the in the old times. There were a couple of big skillets, a cast iron Dutch oven, and a giant coffee pot where the grounds were thrown in with the water just like the cowboys did it. The only structure that wasn’t canvas was the facilities, which was down a path and around a bend. Because there was no electricity in the camp, every boy had a flashlight for those late night treks. At the Junior Ranger Wilderness Camp, the participants would be shown how to shoot a bow and arrow, braid a leather wrist band, and string beads and fake bear claws into necklaces just like the early mountaineers wore. It was designed to convince city kids that they could make it in the backwoods, using pseudo-survival skills learned in an extremely controlled environment. In other words, it was a scam. After all, Mom and Dad didn’t shell out big bucks to place their darlings into any real danger. But the kids liked it and some of them came back year after year. The older boys, realizing there were no real adrenaline-pumping risks at the Junior Ranger Wilderness Camp, would find other ways to amuse themselves. One practice was to select a younger camper, designating him “the butthead,” and pull all manner of pranks on the unsuspecting lad. This was Jimmy’s year. The team leader in Jimmy’s teepee was Todd. Todd had been “the butthead” his first year at The Junior Ranger Wilderness Camp. But, Todd was a leader now, and he was determined that this year would be the ultimate in “butthead” humiliation. He would not be satisfied until Jimmy was found in the fetal position whimpering for his momma. Jerome, the Senior Ranger, had also been a “butthead.” While not an active participant in the systematic degradation of Jimmy Griffin, the pranks had Jerome’s unspoken approval. And so it began: bugs in his breakfast, pebbles in his soup and pepper in his coffee. The only thing wrong with the scheme was that none of this was new to Jimmy. People had been doing this kind of stuff to him all his life. In other words, none of it fazed him. In fact the only thing that produced any visible signs of nervousness was the after-dinner camp-fire stories. Every evening, as soon as the sun went down, the campers gathered around the fire-pit for s’mores and tall tales. Jerome, the Senior Ranger, had a collection of yarns especially designed to have the young ones in his charge anxiously looking over their shoulders. A particular favorite were the adventures of “Big-Foot.” Jerome would tell how “Big-Foot” liked to sneak into the camp while everyone was asleep, eat all the meat and bread, drink all the coffee, and then hide along the path to the outhouse. “Big-Foot” was known to make his dessert of any unwary camper making the midnight trek. Jerome would use these occasions to emphasize the Junior Ranger motto: “Be Ready.” “Be Ready,” he would say to the eager faces with their big eyes and nervous grins. “Learn the Junior Ranger skills and you will ‘Be Ready.’ Pay attention to your team leader and you will ‘Be Ready.’ If you learn to ‘Be Ready’ then it won’t matter about ‘Big-Foot’ or anything else. You will be a Junior Ranger and Junior Rangers can handle anything.” Todd noticed that Jimmy would get a slight shiver when the subject of “Big-Foot” came up. It was getting toward the end of the week and Jimmy had yet to say anything about wanting his momma. So Todd walked out into the brush away from camp, pulled out his cell-phone and placed a call. Knowing the hidden trail to the parking lot, Todd was able to sneak over early that afternoon, get a duffle bag delivered by a friend, and get back to camp without anyone noticing his absence. During the late afternoon break, Todd called a couple of his buddies into his teepee. Making sure Jimmy was no where around, Todd told the guys, “Tonight is the night. I’m going to have that Griffin punk screaming like a banshee.” “How are you going to do that?” he was asked. “I am going to make sure Jerome tells a particularly gruesome ‘Big-Foot’ story. I’m going to wait for ‘butthead’ to go to the potty, and then when he’s on his way back, I’m going to meet him dressed in this.” Then Todd opened the duffle bag and showed them the gorilla suit his buddy had picked up from the local costume rental store. Pulling the face mask over his head, Todd growled and said in a deep, gruff voice, “I’m Big-Foot.” Brad, one of the other team leaders gave Todd a high-five and said, “You are the man, Toddski. You are definitely the man.” Todd and the guys watched as Jimmy tidied up the cooking lean-to after the evening snack and story time. “It’s about time to hit the rack, Jim,” Jerome called from the tent area. “OK’” said Jimmy. “I gotta go to the outhouse. I’ll be right back.” “You got your flashlight? You wouldn’t want Bigfoot to get you.” “Yeah, yeah,” muttered Jimmy as he headed down the path to the outhouse. “Now’s our chance,” Todd said, as he pulled the gorilla costume out of his duffle bag. “Let’s get over in the trees.” “Oh, man, this is going to be rich,” Brad chuckled as he zipped up the back of the gorilla suit. “It’s a good thing he’s going to the can, otherwise he is gonna crap his pants.” “Shhh,” said Todd, pulling on the gorilla head. “Here he comes.” They could see the light from Jimmy’s flashlight as he neared the bend in the path. The guys hid behind the trees trying hard to keep from laughing audibly. Jimmy passed the tree Todd was behind. With a roar, Todd leaped out onto the path, his arms stretched over his head. Jimmy spun, dropping to one knee. As Todd, growling, loomed over him, Jimmy’s arm, the one not holding the flashlight shot out. Todd staggered back and fell to the ground. In the finest tradition of the Junior Rangers’ motto, Jimmy had decided to “Be Ready!” In the glow from Jimmy’s flashlight the other guys could see the handle of the nine-inch kitchen knife Jimmy had appropriated when he did the mess tent clean-up. A serious adrenaline charge had allowed Jimmy to bury the blade in Todd’s chest. It would seem that Big-Foot would never again harass the attendees of the Junior Ranger Wilderness Camp.
Posted on: Thu, 24 Oct 2013 08:17:24 +0000
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