I have come to accept that feeling in my chest. I assume to that we all have that feeling at one point, that combination of despair, anguish, pain and bitter acceptance that melts into one feeling of dull throbbing. That feeling where you probably should cry but you can’t summon up the tears. When your head is empty of any and all thoughts because you couldn’t possibly admit what was wrong, even to yourself. So you fill the silence with songs that are anything but cheerful and bouncy because they make you want to break something, just because they make you realize just how broken you must be and that isn’t right, it can’t be right. Nothing is right, it would seem. Your carefully selected words of imagery and precision can’t even begin to sum up why you don’t feel right, why you have never felt right and so you question whether it’s even worth it to feel at all. Wouldn’t complete emptiness be so much easier, not to feel the strain of heartbreak and the agony of trying to stitch it back together? Wouldn’t it be so much simpler, not to have to feel like you’re walking on a thread high above the cold hard ground while everyone watches you walk, they’re intent stares never leaving you for a minute, forcing fear that wasn’t there before to appear? Why must we go through all the fire and rain to see the beauty in this world? Isn’t that just cruelty? Perhaps it is, perhaps we are all secretly masochistic martyrs, for if we were not, we would find a way to stop feeling and still live. Pain, is something we all feel, emptiness and apathy are burdens we all must bear because how else would we know that happiness is worth it. That moment when your heart, no matter how scarred and deformed glows with pride and joy when someone says something as simple as ‘I love you’. Yes, life is full of ups and downs, and trust me, I know that sometimes the downs outweigh the goods, but you can’t give up. How else would you know that the sunset plays silent music, orchestrated just for you and that it paints a new day of possible joy and wonder for you, every time it sees you? How else would you know that the rain pours downs on you, to try and wash away your tears and sorrow, it might not always works, but it tries every single time it can, even if you wish it away? How else could you possibly know that you are loved, that you are needed, because you are? It doesn’t matter who you are, or what you’ve done or even if you think you deserve it or not, there will always be someone who loves you, someone who needs you. Why else would beautiful vibrant spring, follow cold and brutal winter? Why else would the ocean caress the shore like a mother holding her child? Why else would the sun continue to shine for us, even if we can’t always see it? There is always someone to love you and need you. You will always feel pain, and I can’t lie to you and say that it will get better, because I don’t know if it will, but I can say for sure, that it’s worth waiting the rest of your life to see. So I have come to accept that feeling in my chest, because I know, that it will fade away after a while and be replaced by something else, it always does, for everyone if it’s given the chance. It might come back one day, but I know it will leave just as fast, pain is like the winds and it will come and go, if you let it. So live, breathe and wait and see.
Posted on: Mon, 12 Aug 2013 21:47:54 +0000
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