I have decided not to run for any office this year. I toyed with President, but found that Im off by a few years. I also found out that I am not, strictly speaking, allowed to rule Uzbekistan. I am giving serious consideration to running for the position of Emperor of Science in 2016. It is a lifetime appointment. There will be a need to replace the current one in 2016. Dont ask me how I know or where I was on the night of Feb 2, 2016. First order of business: freeze all new scientific development for a decade. Lets figure out how to make sense of what we have, allow the population to figure out how their iPhone 6 works and what apps a the most fricking awesome during meetings. Second order of business: Cancel Honey Boo Boo. Not the show. The whole enterprise. Third order of business: Make an effort to reach across the aisle to our English and Literature major friends. This makes good sense. Combining forces will allow us control over green and brown pieces in Trivial Pursuit. If we dont do this, the terrorists win (they control pink and are soon to control yellow questions). Chris DeSantis has us covered on orange. Fourth order of business: Abolish the concept of a healthy breakfast. Replace it with Donut Coma Break. I think this is self explanatory. Final order of business: kick Putin in the shin under the table at a global summit. Blame China. Awesome. So, that is my platform. A vote for me is a vote for whatever it is you want and against whatever it is you dont.
Posted on: Tue, 04 Nov 2014 11:18:53 +0000