I have fuxked up a lot lately. I am very unhappy about a lot of things regarding my life and actions as of late. There are people I have let down, myself included. I have not acted according to how I was raised, I do not reflect my core values and beliefs and its causing internal chaos and hell. There are so many people I owe apologies to, if I have wronged you I hope this reaches you. My physical abilities have been what sets me apart from other people. That may no longer be the case, I may no longer even be able to continue that line of work/life and its kind of scary because it is all I know. Im not what people on SM think I am, and I am not comfortable trying to fit the image thats come to be expected from me, and I felt like Id be letting people down if I just stop, so I tried to continue it, having an internal struggle with it. Im not some motivating inspiring whatever... Im a blue collar rough neck that likes hunting, fishing, lifting, and drinking. Drinking. I am beginning to feel as I look around at whats changed and hasnt that though I did drink alot more than ought to of, that it kind of took a scapegoat role in dealing with demons I have. Certainly it did not help at the extent I was doing it, but I no longer believe it caused them either. I was raised country, drinking beers with friends and family is a staple of life. I feel fake trying to live like Im completely ok without it. Everything is changing and falling apart at once, and I am struggling dealing with it. I am not this asshole I have been for past weeks. Im a laid back, easy going, fun loving, down home country boy, and thats who I need to find again. No more fake bullshit, no more trying to appear to be something Im not. Its something that requires my immediate full attention, and I am sorry but everything else needs to go on hold for a bit. #Hasta
Posted on: Sun, 25 Jan 2015 22:10:11 +0000
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