I have had nightmares since I was five years old , I am not sure why - probably because my mind never stops even when I am sleeping , you always used to say cant you just stop for five minutes ? Last night I had a wicked nightmare and I woke up because there was a thump on my bed , exactly like the cat had jumped on there , but I looked and there was no cat . The house was eerie quiet , I dont even know where the dog was . My body was drenched in sweat and I was so nauseous and everything hurt ,I started thinking about you , about if you were ready and if you were scared . My chest was tight and I had these funny pains - what if my heart gave out too ? I closed my eyes and took deep breaths and tried to imagine how tired I would be if I didnt get back to sleep , I was just about to fall asleep and them there was a cracking sound in the living room , now I was scared , really scared . And then the dog came in the bedroom and he jumped right on top of me and gave a big sigh . Its funny how animals just know when you need comfort I remember our first cat , Jackson . I found him in a crack house - I knew that kitten would be dead in weeks if I didnt do something , so I begged you to come back and we went to look at the litter , they were in the back of a closet , the lady was obviously wasted . You said lets go So when we got in the car you explained that we didnt really need to get a cat , we were both too busy and a hundred other reasons ,,, and I told you that all of those kittens were going to be dead , and at least we could save one . So back we went and got him , and we took him straight to Aunt Irenes house , he was only 4 weeks old , we had to feed him with a dropper and I had to cut a beer flat in half to put his litter in . This little kitten is the one that when I was in the Ukraine you were writing the Rams book, you were on a deadline , and I would get emails from you saying he was driving you crazy by attacking your feet . The little kitten grew into a fat , spoiled cat . And then he got sick - heart condition . You said did you notice that both members of this family live with you have a heart condition You pretended that the cat was a pain to you but you would always sit in your chair and he would jump on your lap and you would caress his funny patterned ears . And when he died you came into the room with tears in your eyes and told me . I think you were more upset than I was . I knew that when I heard you sobbing in the shower ,, over Jackson , the cat . Maybe that was him that jumped on my bed and you both knew I had a nightmare and just wanted to make me feel better ,,do cats still stay fat when they go to heaven ? its funny , I know exactly what you are wearing right now - its that brown checked blazer and everytime I think of you , you have it on , can you check in the pocket I Left my dads eulogy in there and I meant to take it out all theses years . Everyday that goes by , well I cant wait for it to end , hoping that the next day I will be stronger and it will hurt less . I am going to leave the dog at home today so he can sleep since he was up with me most of the night and the cat was out too , your animals are tired :)
Posted on: Tue, 12 Nov 2013 15:56:28 +0000
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