I have just one question, what do these things have in common: a 59 and 1/2 year old man who thinks hes still 18, a set of THIN scrubs, a pair of Croc shoes, a 6 ft fence with 3 strands of barbed wire on the top, and a 10 foot long, 8 inch diameter tube? The answer- NOTHING, NOTHING at all!!! There is nothing wrong with any of them, yet when they are all involved in any situation as a whole, they are completely worthless, and not compatible with one another, in any way, as a whole. My printer, who is closed on the weekend told me that they would leave the backdrop that I ordered in a tube behind the dumpster and all I had to do was climb the fence and get it, so I said,”Great- Ill get it Sunday morning on my way to work.” When I reached the location, got out, and saw the fence, I suddenly realized the folly of my stupidity as I bent over to pick my jaw up off the ground. Then the “Hey yall, watch this” Southern manliness came alive within me, and I knew that I wasnt going to drive 60 miles round trip without getting what I came for. Trying my best to ignore the “Oh man, I wish that this wasnt happening” thoughts that were trying their best to awaken my better judgment, I reached up and attempted to pull my weigh up from the ground as my Crocs refused to cooperate in any way with the tiny holes in the fence, yet my frail male ego refused to be swayed from the task at hand. To make a long story short, somehow, by the Grace of God, I was able to mount the fence, but found myself in a worse dilemma- I was straddling the fence with only a couple of inches between the barbed wire and parts of my anatomy that should NEVER, under any circumstances, EVER even think about being punctured by ANYTHING, much less protective, sharp points that were designed to inflict great harm and pain, and destruction. It was at this time that I realized that another area, close by down there, was so tight that a BB would not have been able to . . . . . . . well . . . . . lets move on . . . . Somehow, I made it across to the other side (no, not Heaven, I didnt die, although my life did flash before my eyes on a couple of occasions) of the fence and landed with a thud that rattled my ancestors, 5 generations back, Im sure. I once heard it said that Gravity is a harsh Mistress, and I can testify that no truer words have ever been spoken! With a great sense of accomplishment and a pretty bad limp, I waddled the 100 yards to the dumpster and found my prize. As I was heaving the load upon my shoulders, I looked around, hoping, in vain, to see a drug store spring up in the vacant parking lot that specialized in pain medication, even though I knew that that was a long shot. When I returned to the fence from Hell, I now realized that I had a new problem . . . how the heck was I going to get across the fence with this hollow telephone pole? I piled up some wooden crates to prop it on so that I could, hopefully, man handle it from the other side, if and when I ever got there. Once again, I boarded the fence with Crocs that were slipping and sliding like the reptiles that they were named after, as I now approached the straddle of death once again. It may have been the excitement, or I may have been delusional at this point, I dont know, but I could have sworn that I saw one of the barbs smile, hoping for a chance to make me squeal and scream like a prepubescent school girl. Trust me, scrubs are very comfortable, but I was keenly aware at that time, that they have no protective qualities whatsoever. I, as a martial artist know better than to engage in battle without my trusty groin cup, but today, I violated one of the Laws of Bushido, “Live today, ready to face death tomorrow.” Heck, I wasnt worried about tomorrow, I thought that I was face to face with it today, and didnt have a clue what to do about it except- balance very carefully! Calling upon every ounce of energy that my aging body could muster, I somehow was able to fling my right leg over the wire, making myself able to belly slide down the chain links as my feet made contact with Terra Firma. I wanted desperately to bend down and kiss the ground, but dared not . . . . with my luck today, I would probably have contracted a series of Biblical plagues of sorts. Once I got settled in my van, and the quivering subsided, I called my wife and told her that I would have to make future arrangements with the printer, as the possibility of repeating that episode was slim to none! If there is a bright spot to my misadventure, and as absurd as it may sound, the effects of aging that nearly took my life, saved me some money, by using my senior citizen discount to purchase some Aleve.
Posted on: Mon, 31 Mar 2014 03:16:12 +0000
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