I have lived a lie for many years and I dont want to tell the truth now... because I loved my husband very much and always will , but I am getting older and it has been so long and I am very tired of being branded as having depression , Bipolar, or what ever kind of illness they can come up with ... I have been seeing a Therapist for many years yes I did have problems , but It was not because of these reasons ... like I said I loved my husband very much , but he was very controlling and I think he was born to fuss anyone that knew him knew well ,knew he did like love to fuss ....like I said he knew I would always give in pretty much of the time when there was an argument he Knew I didnt like to fuss , no I never have been anywhere near perfect, yet I would pretty much of the time I let it go ..and listen as much as I possible could to his fussing until I had enough ... I would leave for a few days .. until he was over what ever it was that he was going through...... One day after many years I just couldnt take it anymore and I went into a depressed mood .. I told him that I was going to leave him I just could not take it any more .. and but that was when my mind just went completely out on me ....... he took me to a therapist for evaluation she put me in the hospital for 15 days by then my mine was beginning to heal with some medication ... Therapist saw me for a very long time give me a small pill not very strong and a Benadryl .. I stayed on those pills for a while.. before she took me off of them ......by then I had a my knew reputation of having problems .... every time I had enough I would tell my husband that I was going to leave he would take me to her.... She was really nice about dealing with my husband .. he always demand her to give me something... Well I have been though breast cancer. and a year or two later I had heart trouble my husband was very supportive about every thing ...... almost a year later my husband started with his fussing 24 hours a day .. try everything I knew to please him nothing worked ... It got to where I didnt not speak, because I knew that it would be the wrong thing ... he was so angry , I could not understand why .I tried that for about 2 months. I decided that if I didnt try to defend myself that everything would be alright .. I could not understand what I was doing wrong and he never told me, he started telling me that I was doing thing to spite him....if i didnt do thing the way he wanted ... of course he would always tell me everything to do like i could not think for myself ....one day I was in the shop helping him ..he was trying to show me how to weight a vavle he knocked it completely out of my hand .. I Knew that was not like him .... so I let it go... so I had tried everything I knew reasoning did not work ... just being as quit as I could be and trying to do every thing that I was told to do wasnt working .. Years ago I could raise my voice and he would realize that he had gone to far ... so I started doing that .. that was the worst thing that I could have did .. we were screaming at one another ..... I realized at that point that I had did everything that I could my nerves were shot my mind was getting weak ... after 3 month of this I just couldnt take anymore... I still hadnt gained my energy back from the heart problems that I had .... I need to leave for a very long time until he came back to his sences... that was my solution ... the next day I worked in the yard all day cleaning. of course we had a riding lawn mo.. but we had a very large yard .. as I worked I cried all day, I knew I had to get away for a very long time or live completely,like I said I loved my husband very much and that was really the last thing that I wanted to do ..yet at this point I just had no choice ... when the day had ended I called my therapist I told her that I needed to see her the next day.... That night my husband was still at it ..That was when my mind went out completely I had to get away now... I told my husband that I was leaving as start walking to the door ... bless his heart he tried to stop me ..by that time my mind was going I just wanted to go anywhere < I started driving , I was in Oaklahoma before they caught the police ... It seems that I was branded as crazy because I left home to get some relief .... I drove through the back roads down to Atlanta and then back roads to interest 10 to Huston Texas driving from interest 10 to interstate 20 back and forth all the way to Texas just to see the sights didnt even think of using a map just followed the sun .. I was cutting through Fort Worth Texas to Interest 40 coming back home when they got me in Oaklahoma and I was want to spend some time in Nashville Tenn before coming really enjoying myself..... well by then My husband had talked my aunt to put out a missing persons bulletin said that I was not well .... for 15 days I was in a mental hospital in Oaklahoma that I would not put my dog in .... after 15 days they branded me Bypolar ... then sent me on my way with a very outrageous bill that I refuse to pay until today... To shorten the story I left my husband not because he fussed so much,,,, He told me to come home ,I made it home earlier than he expected ... I really didnt care for the lady if you can call her that .. who was sitting my chair chit chating with my husband, when I walked in to my home, but at that point I was so heavily medicated believing that I was as ill as they told me so I slap the snot out of him and walked out ..... but he always did like that kind of lady .... I had known that for a very long time....... So he tried to get me to come home after that and I decided that I had to take some time out and . I want him to say he was sorry or something , but it never happened .. even though he tried his best to get me home..... I finely went to work at Dillards during Christmas .still on the medication I took it for 8 years never failed ...One day my Old Therapist came through the store doing her Christmas shopping ... When she saw me she stopped Chating for a moment then telling er abut leaving my husband ... She new him very well she had delt with him for a very long time .... Thats when she confided in me finely telling me that was the best thing for me....... She always felt that I would never have a problem if I didnt have to deal with him ... Now I am not trying to be spitful or hateful Loved him very much and alway will .. we grew up together I knew how he was,, but I though that I could deal with it... It took me a very long time to realize what was probably the problem ... I am only guessing and if I had it to do all over again I would have stayed I guess at that time in his life he was worried about the insurance... It had was going every time I went into the hospital it was up to $1200,00 dollars a month with all the other bills there was no way he could hold on to that insurance ... he may have been ill himself an felt that everything was getting beyoned his control..... You see we loved each other very much in our own way . i new he loved me .. and the day I found the lady if you can cal her that in my house.. he might have needed someone to talk to ..... but he never expressed what the problem was ... even though he fussed so much.. I think he didnt want to lay anymore problems on me .......how do I no he loved me? He told me so... I usually understood .. this time I was so weak and in such bad shape trying to recover for the heart problem.....I just could not handle it....
Posted on: Mon, 10 Mar 2014 04:04:16 +0000
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