I have never accepted help from a professional. I have always fought back, manipulated and exploited any person who has ever tried to help me. Keeping all of my thoughts to myself, i get 3-4 hours of sleep a night because of the nightmares. I still think about her every day and shes gone. I dont believe in a world after this but if there is, i hope she is happy. The things that go on in my mind every day would make most people cringe but i put up an exterior projecting the exact opposite. I wake up screaming at night and daydream more than actual consciousness. Music, love and dance have kept me out of jail and death. I push away all of my friends and family because i have a fear of opening up and being left vulnerable. I took a bunch of pills and chased it down with beer hoping id die, woke up on the floor with extreme mental clarity and needed to post this here. My reaction to this when Im sober will probably be to take this down so if youve gotten to this point, i thank you. It means you are a true friend of mine and i will be there for you. I mentally manipulate the women i get involved with because i have insecurities. I want a family one day because when i want that bond with my son of daughter that most parents dream of. My wife does not have to be beautiful or skinny, if her mind is sound and can balance me out, i will commit for life. Thanks to artists such as George Ezra, Beethoven, Ruby Gill and other artists that can project those kinds of spine chilling emotions through music or dance. You have kept me alive, i dont know for how much longer but im sound right now. My family has supported me for as long as i remember and im sorry if i have not shown the appropriate amount of gratefulness but i do love all of you. The person i have been really bad to for no reason at all is my Step Mom. Im really sorry... Im not a drug addict, i just did this to not have to cope with my current situation but it failed. Studying for my learners right now so that i can take the next step to independence. Im sorry Pope Troy. Youre my best friend man and i act like a control freak. Id appreciate it if no negative comments are made on this post if someone doesnt understand what im saying. After the last week i have found a lot of myself that i never wanted to explore and am ready to admit that i need help. My relationship attributes are a bit too old fashioned for our modern society but i dont think i can change that. The support i have received from the Retro House family has been immensely appreciated this last month and im glad i met you. There is a woman that i met recently that i fell in love with ( i wont mention her name) but once again my nutty brain skrewed things up and it destroys me to see you so sad, . To the rest of you, if youre still reading this, im sorry for hurting you in any way. My mouth is extremely dry right now, my heart is racing, my brain feels like its tripping pretty hard and my energy levels are very high. If i dont live, please play the intro song from Pearl Harbor by Hans Zimmer at my funeral. Im not sure what the point of life is but i hope i figure it out quickly.
Posted on: Fri, 26 Sep 2014 00:22:34 +0000
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