I have no shame sharing this. This was part if my life and I survived it to be the strong willed, sometimes broken pain in the ass that Ive grown into today. But because I have seen several posts about how selfish Robin Williams was Ive got a few things to say. Dont be ignorant. Unless you have attempted suicide, truly attempted, you dont understand that blackness of nothing that leads to those actions. And even if you have attempted and are still here as I am... remember how it felt to get to that point and realize that not everyone finds a way to get past it. For those who have not.... allow me to shine a little bit of light on it by sharing my own story. When I was thirteen I was scared, tired, and no longer felt I had worth. I struggled in school, home, play. Everyday was like fighting to keep my head up in a pit of tar- sticky, ever gripping black goo that seeped into my pores, flowing into my veins and making even my soul thick with...nothing; I was drowning even as I breathed - the only time I felt just a bit of relief was when sleep finally took over, and even then I knew I would wake up and be even less of a person than I was the day before. You stop thinking about other people, about what needs to be done. Ask me what I did when I was thirteen, and I will tell you I was dying.... ask me what I did in Kindergarten and I will talk about all my best friends and what ate. I was lost. I was broken. And it wouldnt matter if I was gone. I could just ease away and there wouldnt be anything to miss. The day after Thanksgiving I didnt think... I just did. So many dont realize that when you reach that point there is no thinking-no thinking-no thinking. You just do. It wasnt until I was lying in a bathtub screaming from the pain that I woke up enough the see, to feel that I was trying to die. I thought I was going to die, and it hurt. It hurt so bad. Being alive with so much physical pain that surpassed the inky depression that had settled in me was everything... I gripped it with both hands and sobbed a prayer that I would survive. That I would remember this night forever, and here I am today. I was lucky that night. As I said, at that point you dont think... I only had a large bottle of aspirin to use in my attempt... a hundred and twenty pills that burned so hotly in my body that night that I still today can not take it without being violently ill. But here I am now... with a vow of never again. Sometimes I lose myself, but I never let myself forget. Robin Williams , if he had passed by his own hand, was sick. He wasnt thinking of you...most likely wasnt thinking about anything at all. Count yourself blessed to have never been where he was, with the means he had to succeed... I do. Instead of cursing, blaming, and shaming... feel the loss, and send well wishes, good energy, and prayers to his family and for his soul to feel the peace it seems it needed.
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 01:00:26 +0000
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