I have not posted much.. as I felt that while this was my personal space,, I did invite and was invited to be and enjoy even one of you.. so I had ceased to actually do what made me feel as if I had some control over my feelings or emotions whatever. And I realize that it really doesnt matter to anyone but myself really .. as to how I feel verbally or in this case, the typed word. I know that most of you have been so extremely supportive and have remained so. I am appreciative of that. And I have made a dedicated attempt to find my sense of humor and whatever other parts of my strange personality so as to continue to enjoy so many of you. Its not working. Time has stopped for me. I stand in the middle of a room and cant seem to know which way to turn anymore. When my daughter was taken so critically ill, even knowing really down deep in my heart what the outcome was going to be, I still had something to hang on to. From the immediate rush to the E.R., the prayers, the family and than the next day my journey and hers began. For 24 hours a day, I was somewhere either with her, on the way to her, reading beside, holding her hand, or coming back home only to go back. And than one morning, at 8:30 am, her journey slipped to a whole new plane but I couldnt be with her on that journey. And suddenly, my life stopped. My world stopped spinning, my life lost the brightest light I had in it, and no matter how much I love, respect and adore my son... nothing can ever fill her place ... I cry sometimes so deeply that I curl into a tight ball wherever I happen to be at the time and I feel as if my heart is just going to explode out of my chest. My breathe just disappears and my rib cage is crushing. And this pain cannot be explained to anyone unless you have experienced it. A very sweet young woman within my friends, is now experiencing this pain. And I would give anything to help her carry it, but I cant. No one can help someone carry it. Its an individual experience and heart break. There are so many new joys that will soon enter into my familys world and I know I will be a part of them and I will find joy in them. But honestly, life without my daughter.... is not as life for me. My grand daughter told me I cannot die until my great grandson gets to know me and he is able to grow up with me in his life. I will do my utmost to be here for as long as I am able and I will be the best that I can be for him and for my grand daughters. As for the most loved part of my life, it is no longer functioning. The part that contains my son is flourishing with joy but he knows and understands that the particular ties that my daughter and I had will never ever heal. So as I enjoy my page, play my games, and laugh and share jokes, there are so many times that I stop, walk away and cry until I am exhausted. I miss my darling girl so very, very much. To the young woman who has just recently had to hear that her son had passed, I am so very sorry for her journey into this part of her life.
Posted on: Tue, 04 Mar 2014 04:35:36 +0000
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