I have one hell of a fever today and this is going to be a rough post but ... I am currently grieving the loss of any possibility at reconciliation with a man I have been with and loved for just short of a year. Last nights game ties into my grief (wonderful friends and my sister made it possible for me to get out of bed and go) but everybody on me about the game and my silence is really adding to my current hell. This man has been trying to start talking again and we have been seeing each other off and on (off for reasons below) for over a month and literally just 4 days ago he was in contact with me about "missing me" and ND vs U of M banter and things more intimate. However somewhere during all of this I find out he is seeing another woman who went to the game he and I had talked about since last year! I gave it a shot but the game has been a tough topic for days now. I did not include this man in my FB world - I didnt want to deal with his "harem" -drama free right? No!! It built a wall and proved I wasnt in love with him enough to "stake a claim" I never included him in my home life-keep the kids and a boyfriend separate-great concept but creates separate worlds and doesnt foster a sense of want and welcome And the big thing: I walked out on him..not once, twice but more..again drama free life that would prevent pain-reality this poor man couldnt trust me to really be "all in" and to love him always..instead of questioning or heaven forbid "fight" I would just leave, not answer his calls or text-literally just quit... Pain personified for him and now me....Weeks would go by and he would send the all important first text..which leads to the last item I did not "give in" when I should have..if the rest wasnt going on above there really was nothing to give in on-we meshed and loved unbelievably well -but when I walked out because of my own fears I should not have waited for him to come to me. I should have been less stubborn and more open - his recent text telling me again that I was mean cold and left for selfish reasons hurts terribly because it was a protective move for me and it caused so much pain for him and I would never knowingly put someone thru that kind of pain-shame on me! So public apology and personal shaming- I am sorry more than my words can describe!! So as I battle my heart, mind, fever and loss of appetite please do not turn FB hostile for me...the game is a topic I cant muster to address...please..
Posted on: Sun, 08 Sep 2013 15:28:46 +0000
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