I have thought about what Im about to tell you, for a few weeks now. For those of you that have known me for the past 10 years, you may know of the heartbreaks I have been through in my past 3 longterm relationships. When I tell you my heart was drug through the mud, thats putting it mildly. I could take myself back to these moments and explain what has happened, but I refuse to because Im Strong enough now to not need others to feel sorry for me. Back then, I needed to feel validation for my character and hear others opinions to know I didnt do anything wrong. Well, as many of you have experienced a nasty breakup or more then one, Im sure there was a song or two that come to mind during your darkest of days. I have a phone full of choices. Songs that I drowned myself in. Thinking they would help. Thinking these songs would take the knife out that was lodged in my heart. Thinking, maybe this song here will bring a light into this dark ass cave that my body has been trapped in for way too long. Sometimes this emptiness only needs time, the right friends, a note from someone you dont know (you will Trust again), or an artist that was there for you when you pushed everyone else away. Im talking about Ms. Kelly Clarkson. I have been on the same exact job at GM since 2002.... Every single day Im in here for the past how many years, Ive had nothing to do but think about my life. How heartbroken Ive been, how awesome my family and friends are, how upset childhood cancer makes me, what project I should do next, or if I will ever allow myself to love someone again after all the cheating or heartbreak..... The mind is so intense and quite frankly, mine has had moments of near smoldering levels. With all this said, now I want to get to my point. Alone time for me when Im struggling with life, money, or relationships, you will find me in my vehicle. I have always leaned on music to fix my heart. And for the most part, I think it helps. But for me in this last breakup/divorce, I feel as tho songs kept me down. I knew no better then to jump in my truck and play every Kelly Clarkson song that had worked before. With hopes that my pain would stop, I found myself crying harder. With hopes that the numbness would go away, I found myself feeling even more numb.... Just weeks before I found out my Ex was cheating, Kelly Clarkson came out with her last album. It really didnt do much for me at first, but I do remember giving one of those songs to him saying it reminded me of how I see past his Dark Side.... But besides that, no song truly hit me....Till a few weeks later.... I went through every breakup with Kelly on repeat and yet again with this new album, she gave me new songs like Einstein, The War is Over and lets not forget STRONGER..... I have played the crap out of these songs so much that if you changed one note, I would notice. Kelly has given us so many amazing songs and I know each of them by heart. Im sure some would be like SJK, get over it.... Well, if Ive been this much of a fan for over a decade since she first auditioned, then Im probably never going to stop..... But wait.... Now she has found love.... She is married hopefully happily and they have a beautiful baby girl together River. This could change every single song or video from here on out.... Kelly might not be feeding my addiction to sappy love music about cheating selfish ass holes anymore. She might change things up from here on out and force us to feel the butterflies that she feels now that she herself has found love. Well you know what? Im ready..... I love every single song she has been a part of, but after what Im about to tell you all, Im ready myself for some love songs that are good for the hearts and rainbows part of my soul. If you are anything like me, and have drown yourself in song during a dark moment, I want you to PLEASE look up the song Breaking Your Own Heart by Kelly Clarkson. It happens to be the last song on her last album and to be honest, its the song that truly explains who I am and what Ive done to myself this entire time. Knowing that I have allowed a pain to continue on throughout songs played in my truck, or continuously bringing up the pain in conversation with anyone that will listen, or even going as far as telling new potential relationships how hurt I once was, this song lets me know that I need to stop..... Stop the cycle of anger, hurt and destruction Ive allowed myself to hold on to.... Ive been Breaking my own heart for far too long now and I knew when the time was right, I would do what Im doing now... Stopping my past from changing my future. I have recently met someone that has made me not question one single issue Ive had from my past and the number one issue was TRUST..... If I continue breaking my own heart, I could possibly miss out on someone that would be there for me through anything, and thats really all I wanted in the first place. So as Kellys album would have it, Im ending this post on a positive note.... Im done breaking my own heart, and Im going to trust again. Because when this person is around me, the only thing that is breaking, is the wall that I had once built. And words will never explain how it feels to finally allow someone to break that wall down.
Posted on: Mon, 15 Dec 2014 21:24:19 +0000