I hide my tears from Christine because I dont want her to stress or worry her. Certainly over something that I have no real control over because I dont see the point of passing along this stress associated with the feeling of helplessness. It just seems to me that it is winning if allow it to grow beyond my body to cast clouds over the lives of those around me and I refuse to grant it that level of freedom to roam. But these mornings feeling *this* poorly knowing there is a hospital literally 5 minutes away, that has proven to have zero ability to directly assist my coping with this discomfort, is frustrating to tears. Im a thinker. Im innovative. Im peaceful. I jealously hover over and protect my self fabricated cocoon of peace, quiet, fidelity and positive energy. These mornings awaking to the feelings of pain registering up at a level Ive coined as death without dying is such a tiring way to begin a positive and hopeful day as it consumes about 4 hours of my every morning trying to get back to normal functional levels of pain without medications that often times make me ill with completely different symptoms. My only direct retaliation against these mornings from hell has been the knowledge that it has, and likely, will continue to eventually pass on its own. But, this is how I know I dont hate anyone in this world because I can not think of *anyone* I would wish this upon. Not even you guys that are just sitting on my friend list like self invited hungry buzzards that are just watching and waiting for me to succumb. The people like that, I just wish them better health because what *they* appear to be going through seems to be far worse than my daily mornings from hell. It must be hell to live a life so void of compassion and humility when it comes to preserving your inner peace.
Posted on: Fri, 14 Mar 2014 10:20:36 +0000
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