I hit a wall of exhaustion tonight ... I overdid it yet again (yes, Steve and Vincent and everyone else - you are always right). I guess when you are an endurance athlete (for me, I use the term athlete in the broadest sense - lol), you are used to being hard on yourself and running on empty - so much so - that you dont know when too much is too much. Until, I suppose, you drive home from work at a grandma-pace of 50mph and try to park your car in your driveway and sit there and cry for 15 minutes because you are too tired to park. And then it takes you another 15 minutes to get inside the apartment, to call your Mom to (yet again) cry. She then (yet again) reminds you that in the last 2-3 weeks, you have had yet another implant (I think we are at #7 now, but who really knows/cares), you have had your whole reproductive system removed, you have went through a complete hormonal depression/breakdown and tried to get back up, you are dealing with insomnia due to night sweats and $$ stress, you had to reorganize 5 figures of medical debt and another 5 figures of other debt that you cant pay now because of the medical debt, you started working 60-hour weeks (omg - how did I ever do this?), youve tried to learn how to be a landlord so you could sublease half of your apartment to pay for all of this debt, and youve tried to tidy up the apartment to make it attractive to prospective subleases so they dont think that your the weird one, all the while going back to work full-time post-surgery against the doctors ideal wishes (but you are broke, so you have to do what you have to do). Im afraid that Im going to lose all of my friends because Im too tired to go out and be social, but I cant afford it anyway. I signed up for one of the hardest footraces that Ive ever heard of next year because the absolute joy of stressing over something else besides just me was and still is the only relief that I have from taking me outside of my own head. Im sure I will delete this post the next time I read it because I will be too embarrassed of this rant, but if anyone does read this, thank you for listening. Im usually a pretty positive person, and I still am - today was just hard. I cant wait for Red Rock, Chimera, AC, etc. etc. - I just want to be there. I feel like you guys understand. :) Life can be hard at times.
Posted on: Sat, 09 Aug 2014 06:48:21 +0000
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