I honestly don’t know what possesses me to make those big statements like I did a few days ago about seeing glimpses of the old Peggy….because it always comes back to bite me in the butt! Yesterday, I woke up after a dreamless night and at first I thought “oh no” it’s going to be one of those syrupy sad days. By that I mean on these days I can feel the sadness so thick it feels like syrup and it’s being poured from my head to my toes. I had to really fight it yesterday in order to get up and begin the day and go into work. I don’t know why there are days that I miss Corrie so much I don’t think I can survive and then the very next day I am “o.k.”. Typically it seems about 7 - 10 days after the monthly anniversary of Corrie dying that I feel so very, very sad. My drive home on these days are a miracle and my guardian angel(s) have to be driving my car because sometimes I cry so hard that I can’t see the road. The weird thing is I know the signs of this oncoming sadness by now but there is nothing I can do to avoid it due to the fact it won’t strike me on the same day every time….bastard. I know I can survive it because I have for almost 7 months now. I can handle the sadness and come back the next day to tackle another day of living without my beautiful daughter who should still be here with me. That is probably the hardest part of my syrupy days, I still go through the “I just can’t believe Corrie is gone” all over again. I know I will be o.k. eventually, but what really worries me is I won’t be able to keep it together at work and unable to find a “safe” place where I can be alone to “grieve it out”. Yesterday was a day of continual sighing, a day of wishing for something that can’t be granted as long as I am living here on Earth, wishing I could talk to Corrie, wishing I could hear her voice and laughter, even her famous “Shut it Koonie”, wishing I wasn’t a member of this stupid, horrible club and wishing I could have a “do over” so I could wrap her in bubble wrap and NEVER let her leave the house again. Allowing my entry into “Wish Land” is it any wonder I kept sighing? Maybe part of it affecting me so deeply again is the weather or the impending date with a car dealership because we have to do something with Corrie’s car. I can’t handle seeing it or driving it, but at the same time my heart hurts knowing we will be getting rid of the car she had so much pride in. Her first car she purchased after securing her own financing. A car she loved and was so proud of. I sometimes wonder if these memories of my ACD lifemare will replace my wonderful memories of the past when Corrie was alive and stirring up all kinds of mischief. I sure hope not. The syrup clung to me throughout the evening and I couldn’t sleep so I got up and went on line. I stayed off FB most of the day yesterday, so I saw I had a message. It was from a classmate of mine from Helias Catholic High School. Julie and I never really ran around with the same people, but I remembered her immediately without having to go to our year book. It seems my Lord and Savior once again stepped in and refused to allow me my pity party. Julie sent me a beautiful and encouraging message and I will be forever grateful for it. Julie lost her Amber at the age of 11 years and 7 months. I now wonder why I remember Julie Ihler Chambers from school even though we really didn’t know each other back then. Was it because our spirits knew we would be broken hearted mommies in our future? I think so. I really believe that is one of the reasons my core group of girlfriends have remained friends since 1974 and Kathy Schulte Moad would remain in my life because for a small group of 8 girls/women having 2 of us lose our babies who were our daughters almost defies the odds. Ladies, Terri, Debby, Pam, Kathy, Diane, Denise and my angel friend Gail Ann, know I love everyone of you and thank you for not giving up on me even when I didn‘t return your calls. I wonder how many other classmates have joined the club that we are unaware of. I hope no one else has. Julie, I have added you to my broken mommy list of daily prayers. I feel almost driven to find a way to keep Corrie’s memory alive and to find a way to spread her legacy, I think I know what I am being divinely led to do, but still so unsure. Where the heck is my faith now???? Oh don’t mistake my doubt, Koonie WILL figure it out but until I do I am driving myself crazy…o.k. CRAZIER (I know you Brian Joseph and how you think Boy!) I will continue to pray to the Holy Spirit, to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and I will continue to ask Corrie to help me know what she wants me to do for her legacy. It has occurred to me over and over how much my faith has increased since Corrie was killed, in which I thank God for every day. If I didn’t have my faith I would truly be a walking, breathing dead person. If I had to deal with no faith which would lead to anger so great towards God I think I would explode. I seriously don’t know how parents who have to deal with the death of their child can do it without faith. Thank you Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit, please continue to protect me for the temptation to be angry. Mary Corinne, I miss you so much but my promise to you is when I take this leap of faith I will figure our your legacy and you will be a rock star baby girl. I LOVE YOU TO HEAVEN AND BACK, POOKS. 2 Peter 1:12-15 - Therefore I intend always to remind you of these qualities, though you know them and are established in the truth that you have. I think it right, as long as I am in this body, to stir you up by way of reminder, since I know that the putting off of my body will be soon, as our Lord Jesus Christ made clear to me. And I will make every effort so that after my departure you may be able at any time to recall these things. My challenge today is to make your own legacy. Find your passion, whether it is Pro-Life, the Elderly, Veteran rights, Against Animal Cruelty, music, art, poetry, books etc… Find a way to give of your time and talent to your passion. Time and talent is just as important as financial donations. I hope you can find your legacy and if even only for a day I hope you also become a rock star. God bless, LET GO LET GOD, Dimes, pink skies & stars, mismatched socks, magic rocks. lost crock pots, wet puppy dog smells, quiet time, holding hands, I LOVE YOU’s, 3 kisses, summer rains, strong daddies, HOPE, PB&J sandwiches, two handed hugs, double rainbows, wax paper art, Angel feathers, snorts of laughter, FAITH, FORGIVENESS, Butterfly kisses and Unicorns.
Posted on: Tue, 13 Jan 2015 13:56:17 +0000
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