I just came to a huge realization about myself. Lately things have been complicated all around me, and Ive been hurting people left and right unintentionally. Certain psychological immaturities have been running amuck, most noticeably manifesting through screwed up romantic entanglements, and its kicking my ass. I just realized what is at the heart of this. Its my passivity. Its in my nature to be guided by what I feel, which is not a bad thing, but Ive realized that I experience and deal with my emotions passively; I let them shipwreck me and pull me in every direction, dragging along anyone Ive picked up along the way. In this area of my life, I dont make decisions. I let them happen to me. This comes from two places: childhood abuse, and a lack of confidence that Im worthy of what I want. Throughout all of this, and in every area of my life where I am foolish in some way, I have a sense of watching myself be an idiot, all the while still doing it. I dont think thats what real idiots do. I behave very foolishly at times, but inside me there is a very tactful, considerate, graceful person, who knows what she wants. I suppressed many of my best qualities growing up, because I grew up being confused and taught that everything I felt inside to be right was wrong. I was literally punished for being the kind of child that any normal parents would love to have. Its really unfair, because I have to spend all this time unearthing and developing the person I should have been growing into in the first place. This explains the sense of injustice that I have when I am in the middle of a mess that is my fault - I ought to be doing so much better. I need to possess myself. Its the next thing I must do to grow up. When I feel drawn somewhere, I need to go there actively, rather than let myself be pulled and then swept off somewhere else. I need to trust myself enough to function, experience, and make decisions without letting my emotions take over. Im sorry to all the people that Ive hurt because of my own pathology and self naiveté. I am much better than that.
Posted on: Sat, 15 Nov 2014 06:44:58 +0000
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