I just dont see how people get passed things like this. I think I understand life. I dont want pitty, I dont even know if I want advice. Ive seen people die. I work in a hospital, I want to help people. What I dont understand is how it all works. I cant wrap my head around it. I thought I got it all before. That is before I found my mom dead. I accepted death and life and I was grateful for everyday I was given. I woke up and went to bed knowing that no matter the circumstances things could always be worse; usually I would think someone could die, or I could be injured or in worse conditions. Now all I can think is the only worse thing that can happen is more people dying. Dont mistake me for being inconsiderate or unthoughtful. I am blessed with an amazing family and TONS of support from all directions. I could be alone. That would be worse. But I cant sleep at night... Im depressed, and constantly irritated. I am mad at the world. I want to know how im suppose to work on the floor and care for patients for 12 hours when I just want to cry and hide in a corner. When I did CPR on my mom then watched her die again in a hospital. I could have never imagined the pain I feel. Let me also add that my work team is great! & my manager is absolutely awesome, and I would not rather be employed any place else in this time. I guess in a way this is me being selfish. Being mad thinking I got dealt the unfair hand of cards in this wonderful game called life. I know many people experience deaths in the family, I know the world goes on. More importantly, I love my job & my mom was proud of me for what I do. I just would have never in a million years thought it would be this hard. & as soon as my life starts to fall back on track is when this is going to get harder. When i have homework to complete and work to attend. & when I do feel happy Ill wish she was here, or feel guilty that she isnt and that Im ok with that. It just doesnt seem right. I just wish my mom was here, and I would give anything to have her back for at least one more day. Especially right now when Im laying here awake at night with no one to talk to. Its so quiet and empty.
Posted on: Sun, 30 Mar 2014 06:52:29 +0000
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