I just dont understand life and what it wants from me. No matter what I do, it inevitably ends the same way. Im lost, Im terrified, Im broken. All Ive ever wanted was stability for my children. Something I have never had. Something they had for many years thankfully but I cant seem to get it back for them. I just want them to have a good life. To not have to worry about things and to not have to see the things they do. I hate me! I hate me more than anyone could imagine. I knew this wouldnt be easy, I was as prepared for this next step somewhat but I never expected all this. How could things go this badly this quickly? I have to be doing something wrong. Im so angry with God and ashamed that I am. This isnt his fault, it is mine. Ive never wanted it easy, the challenges in life are what makes us who we are. I dont want anything handed to me. I just want something to give already. What am I supposed to do? I never thought it would get to the point that I was scared to sleep. Terrified because I know sleep leads to the next day and Im not sure if we can make it through another day. We have filled out enough applications to regrow a forrest at this point and we still are no where. We dont even have the money to put in gas to get us to drop the apps off now. The little money we expected to get from the tshirts has been delayed so I sit here, on the bathroom floor, hoping to mask my cries wondering how I can get us through. I found a place to donate plasma around here thankfully but even that isnt much. I am thankful the kids arent affected by all of this and all of their needs have been met but Im not sure if Lenas meds will make it here through the mail in time which means I need to get the money to buy her meds here until then. Because we cant be without her emergency seizure meds. I was supposed to be working already. That was the plan. But our plans never work out correctly, I should be used to this. I feel like the whole world is on my shoulders. Like its all crashing down and I cant move. I just keep thinking of how I could process if I fail here. After the sacrifices the kids made for this to happen and everything we have been through, just to see it fade away. Then here we are, after losing everything, waiting to get Lena the treatment we came for. Treatment that should have been started weeks ago. Watching her continue to seize and knowing I cant do anything. This whole thing makes me feel horrible. So many amazing people has helped us recently, something that shouldnt have had to happen. I have placed my burdens, my responsibilities, onto others and I apologize. I never thought I would be so helpless. Ive always been the type of person to help others, not need help. This is hard, harder than I have ever imagined. I have three amazing little ones that depend on me and I just suck at this. I dont know what to do anymore. I know I cant give up and trust me, I have more than enough to be thankful for, but how do I sort through this? Im only one person. Its not like Im not trying. I try so so hard. I am constantly on the go and devote every bit of my time to my kids, I always have. Everything i do is for them. I just dont get it. Why cant things just go right for once? Im trying so hard to keep it all together but its getting more and more difficult. Im so scared. I have completely lost respect for myself. Ive watched things just spiral downward recently and couldnt do anything to stop it. We have to pull through this. Somehow it has to work. My babies deserve a good life and I have to figure out how to get us back to good. I thank God for them and for what we do have. I have to be strong, find whatever strength I have left and pull it together. Im just weak at this point and disgusted with myself. I dont deserve my kids, I dont deserve all of you, but I promise you I will work the rest of my life to show them and you that I want to be deserving. Please pray. Pray hard! Im falling apart here.
Posted on: Sun, 17 Aug 2014 06:01:55 +0000
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