I just found this that I had written on March 3, 2013. A friend reached out to me because her sister was feeling suicidal and this is what I wrote to her sister. It made me cry... I hope I can give others hope by sharing my own story. Hey girl! I know you dont want to talk to anyone, but I want you to know that you arent alone in your struggles. Please, dont be mad at your sister for contacting me... she is only doing it because she loves you. I dont want to bore you, but Id like to share my story. Im not a doctor, Im not a shrink, and most importantly, Im not going to pressure you into anything. I just want to help... and heres why. In 2008 my Dad took his own life. He was only 50, I was 30, and my daughter was 7. He was in so much pain mentally and emotionally, Im sure he felt it was the right thing to do. He probably felt that we were all better off without him because he was up and down, mostly down though. He struggled for years with bipolar disorder, on and offf different meds the whole time. They tried ECT on him too, thinking it would help. He didnt think ANYTHING could help him, and he gave up. Now, he isnt in any pain anymore. I love that part. However, when he took his life to end HIS pain, the pain he felt was multiplied numerous times... and was transferred to the ones he loved. Since then, Ive struggled SO badly. I began having panic attacks the day of his funeral... they never stopped from that point. I have major depression. I dont leave my house unless Im forced to. I had a great job before he died, I had a social life, I had a general love for life. Then his one decision made my life a living hell. Like I said, Im happy hes not in pain anymore. However, I KNOW if he would have just gotten help, the RIGHT help, then he could be alive right now and I wouldnt feel this pain. I miss him every single day. Anyway, in April of 2011 the panic attacks and depression got the best of me. I couldnt sleep, I couldnt eat, I was down to skin and bones. I lost my job due to it. I LITERALLY couldnt leave my house... and I mean not even to take Kyleigh to school. I would eat a few bites of dinner and get sick. My anxiety was SO bad. I felt I couldnt live like that anymore and decided to plan my own death. As I was thinking about it... I wondered what it was like for my dad... it must have been horrible. It was at that point that I decided that I had 2 choices- I could go get help or I could put the same pain onto my mom, my husband, my daughter, my friends, and my other family members. I just couldnt do that to them. THEIR happiness and wellbeing had to be my first priority, NOT how I was feeling at the time. It was the hardest day of my life. I remember it clearly. I sat at my moms kitchen island and told her, full of tears, that I made a plan to take my life. I then said the 3 most important words of my life. I said I NEED HELP. She was supportive, as Im sure your family will be. She took me to the ER at Upstate. Oh, I was scared. I cried so hard. I wondered what my daughter was going to do while I was in there. I wondered how long Id be kept in the hospital. Then I realized that however long it would take, is less time than if I made the decision to end it and theyd have the rest of their LIVES to try to deal with it. I made up my mind, I was going to get help. We packed my overnight bag, thinking they might only keep me for one night. Not sure what I thought was going to happen, at that point Id never even met a psychiatrist, nor had I been in a hospital overnight except to give birth to my daughter. This was April 11th. Well, they kept me for 11 days. It was hard, it was REALLY hard. I bet I cried a gallon of tears while I was there. But it gave me something I didnt have before that... it gave me HOPE. Please talk to me. I know where you are, I know how youre feeling, and most importantly, I know you can get better. Tara
Posted on: Thu, 31 Jul 2014 16:39:47 +0000