I left my TV on last night and when I woke up this morning I was granted the honor of watching 14 minutes of the seminal masterpiece “Volcano”. I forgot how amazing this film truly is. Fortunately I woke up toward the end and I was able to witness the climax of the third act. Tommy Lee jones comes up with a brilliant plan to divert the river of lava that is heading toward a hospital filled with the sick and dying. Also, to heighten the already palpable drama, Tommy Lee Jones’ daughter is in the hospital. Tommy lee Jones is about to save the day when super scientist Anne Heche informs him that his plan will not work. She does this by glancing at a chart of the topography for 3 seconds and then telling Tommy that if he initiates his plan then the entire hospital will be wiped out by liquid hot magma. Tommy Lee Jones then looks distraught and unsure. During this time the point of view keeps cutting back and forth between the hospital and the molten river of hell fire that is rushing through a subway tunnel. Apparently they have calculated, in their heads, that they only have exactly 20 minutes before this wall of fire consumes them all! The plan is simple and genius. They will blow up a building and make it fall over exactly where they want it. This will create a dam which will stop the lava and divert it to the ocean nearby. I think they also had to blow up parts of the street to dig a trench but it’s all a little hazy to me. Anyway. They now have exactly 19 minutes to do all of this. So what’s in order? A montage of people using drills and jackhammers and dropping explosives in carefully cut holes and taping explosives to the foundation of the enormous building. The montage takes less than 3 or 4 minutes and then they are done and ready to go. They have rigged an entire building to explode, drilled holes in cement, Tommy Lee Jones uses a jack hammer and then two guys get trapped and the lava is on the way and oh hell we gotta get this done it’s coming now blow it man just blow it up!!! For some reason they can’t blow it all up at once so they have to start setting off charges one at a time down the line. Oh no! Who is that walking over right in the way of where the building is going to fall? Damn. It’s Tommy Lee Jones’ daughter. The explosions are detonating. The lava is rushing. Tommy Lee Jones is running. The dumb kid is oblivious to all of the explosions and general chaos. Tommy Lee jones is running some more. The last charge blows and the building starts to fall but Tommy Lee Jones is there! He jumps and grabs his daughter and they fall two feet out of range of the 600 foot tall building. Lava flows into the ocean. Cheers! Tommy Lee Jones hugs his daughter and then a few minutes later you can really tell that Anne Heche and Tommy Lee Jones are probably going to hook up a few minutes after the closing credits. Now, I saw this movie when it came out. I didn’t think it was a great movie but I didn’t think it was terrible. Over the years I’ve watched bits and pieces of it on cable and I think I watched it on purpose during that time at least once. 34 year old Mike apparently has different tastes than previous versions of Mike. I wasted 14 minutes of my life this morning. My brain is bleeding. I’m 43 points dumberer on the intelligent quotient for having seen this ridiculous crap. I’m having a hard time forming sentences with my fingers and I can’t remember what this button pushy thing is called. After watching it for 14 minutes this morning I immediately punched myself in the liver after it was over. I vomited and apologized to my suspension of disbelief. I made a Voodoo doll of Tommy Lee Jones and made the doll watch the movie Volcano over and over. I hate this movie. That is not a euphemism. I hate the Movie Volcano and I wanted to share my hatred with everyone I know. I wanted to take away just a few minutes of your life in an attempt to make a sacrifice to the movie gods to permanently erase the movie “volcano” from the annals of history. I also wanted to make everyone watch the last few minutes of the film so I would know I’m not alone in the universe and there are others who can share my hatred and pain.
Posted on: Fri, 21 Mar 2014 02:15:24 +0000
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