I miss being held against a strong chest. I miss catching his eye across a room and a slow wink of acknowledgement. I miss my hand in his. I miss getting his perspective on whats going on in the world, both from a personal point of view and a military one. I miss his reassuring presence in my life. I get the message that Im supposed to be okay being by myself, that I, as a woman, must appreciate and enjoy my own company and not need a man to fulfill me. I hear so many women gripe about the men in their lives, whether they be husbands/boyfriends or partners and who jokingly refer to their husbands/boyfriends, as one of their kids. I never had that problem. Chuck was very much a man and a strong partner for and with me. The fact is, I like having a man in my life. I appreciate male energy and a males point of view. I loved being in love with one special man. I like what a man can add to my life. I loved being married. I love a mans strength and I feel bereft without it. Chuck was so many things to me. He was everything and life without him is so exhausting emotionally and mentally that words fail me. I was an independent woman with him, made stronger because of him. As he would say, we were interdependent. He and I had a love story and his death has shaken everything within me and left dust behind. And we can all put as positive a spin on it as we want about what Ive learned from it and what a bright future I can build and all the other bullshit but it really is all bullshit because whatever future Im able to create is nothing I desire, and whether or not hes with me in spirit (and thats all speculation) isnt enough to make up for his physical presence. Any part of my future will be shaped by my life with him, and his death-how can it be otherwise? There is nothing spiritual about any of this. There is nothing brave about any of this. There is nothing special about any of this. Its all about just sucking it up. Because life can suck and people die (why do people have such a hard time with that word and use euphemisms instead?) And it shocks the hell out of me that anyone ever recovers from grief~
Posted on: Sat, 29 Nov 2014 02:19:11 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015