I must, I have to, I needa, I should, I will, I ought to, I shall..... These kinds of thoughts enter the mind in an instant and will repeat themselves in a light way, or an intense pushy way, constantly. Youre in great pain, feeling sick because youve done what you said you would never do: buy, spend, drink, eat, watch, lust, obsess, contact, chase, grab, surf. Maybe youre physically sick because youre practically killing yourself with substance abuse...and this is that moment where youre very aware that this is happening and how much it hurts. I must quit, I have to quit, I need to control myself, I ought to stop. Or, on a slightly lighter note, maybe youre experiencing a transition like a relationship break-up, a job change, a new housemate. I have to hurry, I need to work hard, I must change this situation immediately, I will change it, I ought to stay vigilant. Or, even on a very teensy subtle flicker of a note, you flash on a desire for change. I should get a new car, I must get that adjusted, I have to finish this today, I ought to be more organized. Two weeks ago, I looked at the little space between my refrigerator and the wall of my house. I can stretch my hand into that space, my palm touching the white wall, the back of my hand almost touching the fridge. On the other side of this wall is the outside of the house. My palm feels the damp. There is pealing paint. The rain pours down and obviously theres a leak up above. Maybe a big leak. I think Dang, I MUST figure this out. I need to call someone. I need to find a roof/leak specialist. ASAP! Then I walk away, and a few days go by and I forget about it. I know, I know. It could be really serious, or expensive, and a hassle. I called someone last year for the same problem, and they came and fixed something on the roof, and my husband paid him some cash, and we thought it was handled. But something calls for looking again. Its the same with our leaking beliefs, right? Here comes the awareness that something needs attention. I feel pain in the form of worry, stress, sadness, fear, anxiety, irritation. I say I really HAVE to do something about this. But that thought, in itself, sometimes fosters stress. The pushiness, the demand, the command, the attack, the screaming. Like youre yelling at yourself to do it. You might find, if you dont like to be yelled at, that you procrastinate, forget about it, dismiss it, or say Ill look into that later, when I damn well please, its not that freakin serious, jeezus. If you have a thought that you HAVE to do something, and then right on the heels of this a turning away from that thought, you may want to take a look. Are you sure you have to? No, of course not. I am free to move or not in that direction. I can drag this out, I can stop now, I can ask for help. Whats inevitable? But without this thought I might never do anything! Never achieve anything! Never try to get safe or secure! Never keep the eyes on the prize! Without this thought that I MUST do something, my roof will cave in and the wall will keel over, exposing my kitchen to the outside air. Really? Youve already had the thought that you should do something, though. Maybe for years. Is it working to have it? All that yelling, or reasonable well-meaning encouragement, or instructions to the self....how do you react when you believe these thoughts? Annoyed, depressed, sad, like a failure. Sometimes, suicidal. What if you didnt have that thought that you MUST do something, think differently, change something, move differently, take action? What if you felt different about the idea of doing it...like it wasnt a big dang hassle, its just an idea? (I just paused this Grace Note, wrote the email to my good friend who does remodeling stuff on houses to ask about who he knows who is a roofing specialist. Done.) Thats what happens without the thought. Without the heaviness of should, must, will, have to, ought to, never-let-up, never-forget, push it, oh-what-a-bummer. Something moves that has nothing to do with should/should not. Its just a thought. What are you without the thought? Nothing. Not vulnerable, not invulnerable. ~ Adyashanti I turn the thought all the way around: I do not have to, there is no must, there is no should, I dont need, I dont know, there is no ought. If I simply relax, slow it all down, stop doing anything for a minute and follow the simple directions...oh look. Do that next. Call for help. Write an email. Walk over there. Get dressed. Breathe. Be quiet. Go to sleep. There are simple directions...have you noticed? You can follow them. With ease. When you follow the simple way of it, you notice that reality holds all the wisdom youll ever need. You dont need any wisdom of your own. Plans are unnecessary. Reality always shows you what comes next, in a clearer, kinder, more efficient way than you could possibly discover for yourself. ~ Byron Katie I MUST wake up now, is it true? Hee hee. Much love, Grace
Posted on: Mon, 10 Mar 2014 12:00:00 +0000