I napped today, two hours on the couch alone with my dreams. Ive been writing down all of my dreams lately, a reference point for my subconscious thoughts. Many dreams are about my frustrations with work, some are about women, some are random, seemingly about nothing at all. And every morning, I write them down. Some people in my life seldom occupy my thoughts and are even less present in my dreaming. Others, on the other hand, seem to pop up like dandelions in the spring. Beautiful flowers from one perspective, an invasive weed from another. There is heartache to dreams, there is warmth as well. Something to be enjoyed briefly without putting too much emphasis on. A momentary glimpse into another world, reprieve from the storms of this life. Even so, dreams are only dreams sometimes. No matter how beautiful or convincing they appear in the dark, in the light my dreams flicker away like smoke thrown into the wind. It may be a loved one coming around, an embrace longingly waited, a phone call behind a veil of silence. Yet the dream was never real to begin with, the dream was only ever a dream. Dreams are nice but thats all they are. Ive been feeling quite lonely these days, I suppose loneliness is part of leading a contemplative life. Coming home is more out of necessity than longing, we do all need a place to lay our heads down at night. Even so, it hardly feels like home at all. Not to say that my roommates are bad guys, not in the least, its just that I wish there was someone for me to come home to. Im not so certain there is anyone at all who would have me. Im not so certain I have anything to give at all. Living the single life makes me second guess a lot of things, namely, am I so impossible to love? I know that I should view this time in my life positively, without complaining or discontent; but it is difficult longing for someone to love. It is difficult feeling like I will always be readily discarded, like Im replaceable. Not good enough. I suppose God has someone out there for me, someone who feels the same way; but it feels like whoever she is shes a million miles away. Its not so easy to meet people for me, it never has been. Social anxiety often keeps me from reaching out, and my current routine makes it almost impossible to meet anyone outside of work. I want to go to school, but I dont know where to start. I just wish there was someone like me who thought I was someone special. Not just a friend, though friends are nice too, but someone who couldnt see their life as meaningful without me in it. I guess Im being selfish, I should just be happy with what I have, but this wears on my heart frequently. Any prayers would be appreciated, Im not entirely sure how much good they do but I cling to them anyway. If Im cursed to living a single life, if there is no one out there for me at all, I want to be content with single living. Im not sure I ever will be, but I want it all the same. Anyway, sorry for the complaint. Thanks for reading. Have a good night.
Posted on: Sun, 28 Sep 2014 20:59:21 +0000
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