I need this message today... Some mornings, I awaken to a new day and feel such a sense of longing. A deep and strong pull that life is more than Ive made it. That my focus is skewed at best, and from within my heart I weep for healing. The outside world sees something else entirely; my restlessness is known only to God and me- though I often deny it well, masking the lie with a smile. The truth is I am broken. So disheveled and misguided, because my selfish thoughts are my compass, and my emotions my excuse. I convince myself God needs more from me than to know Him, and I believe that our relationship can be treated as little more than if we are distant acquaintances. My children look to me for the example of what a woman becomes. My own mother was this for me, yet all I see when I miss her are her failures that stole her from this world. Am I to be nothing more than this for my daughters? I yearn to be more, yet the challenge is immensely difficult- especially since I am what I was taught to be; I want to be more than her, but on a bad day I am even less. If it is about the relationship, and God longs for my heart, and if I long for His, than can I not be more? Give more? Believe something is meant for me, while in this life, that is better than mere complacent mediocrity. I am exhausted from the internal battle simply to feel worthwhile, and peaceful. God I want the kind of tender truth that comes from true faith... from a real relationship. From forgiveness. To realize I was already more than the scars of my mothers mistakes, and more than my own devastation. Layla and Jemma deserve to see God in me. To hear my words filled with splendor not spite. For my arms to bring a loving embrace, not cold shoulder punishment. For their hearts to model something more, and grow knowing the meaning of life is more than the pain we feel. Just be open, Christina. Just talk and listen, and believe He is doing the same. How many times must I fail at this endeavor before it actually becomes a part of who I am? I welcome it, and I sincerely pray, this time, it sticks... time to stop living for myself in the mire of my excuses and start living as if I believe He made us for so much more than this.
Posted on: Thu, 13 Nov 2014 14:48:32 +0000
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