I need to talk to someone here about my mums death. This ward is part of the hospital she died in, just yards from her deathbed. Not going there again now: I say my dad killed her and he says I killed her with the heart attack argument which led to congestive heart failure and a three-month prognosis. However, interestingly the doc upon admission here asked if my thoughts ever run away with me. I said no, but that as a kid I always had to finish one thought before starting the next; if a tune was playing in the background in my head I used to have to consciously remember and clock it, pause the song if you like, before allowing myself to hear what people addressing me were saying. The delay in my response and moment of feeling flustered were simply down to making sure that each song which played on the background radio in my head ran seamlessly back-to-back with the previous one and the next. For those who know Java or C++ here, the cause of the argument which killed my mum was basically a deep, but slightly drunken conversation about pure Java as an object-oriented computer programming language. I explained objects, methods, classes, arrays, strings, threading etc then how, unlike with applets and web-optimised, much more simplistic javascript, pure Java presents us with a blank page, a Big Bang from which we create a universe as if we were God. Effectively we are precisely this: the problem of which came first, the chicken or the egg is resolved by creating a timeless, or contemporaneous loop in which both are created together. The egg is an attribute of the chicken and vice-versa. Both objects are defined by the existence of the other respectively in encoding, but run-time execution of the two small chunks of code is part of the same loop. I went on to explain catching exceptions to avoid runtime errors, how to isolate compile-time errors, how runtime Java is effectively machine code, derived from re-ordered object-oriented thinking, wherein everything exists as a relative not an absolute value, how the same object on one page may morph into something entirely different on the next yet retain the same name, since everything always depends on its unique context, parameters and their values... ...Then finally I made the literally fatal mistake of attempting to explain input/output and the implementation of encoding. Whether you got all that or not, its obvious enough that this stuff is an absolute minefield if explaining just verbally, without even a pen and paper to hand... In a nutshell, my mum butted in on a different wavelength or subject when I was deep in thought and my head imploded since I was trying to clock, and I suppose log and shelve for now, that background tune running through my head, which in this case was a Java concept. I gritted my teeth. My dad had a go at me and would not let off. He had no logic. He was just showing off to my mum. I exploded and the argument got badly out of hand. It was the worst family argument to date and weeks afterwards, when my dad still refused to make up, it gave my mum the heart attack. And so perhaps I have an autistic streak here in cognitive terms. This is neither a crime nor an illness, but perhaps its the time and the place to discuss this with someone, finally.
Posted on: Tue, 28 Oct 2014 08:11:27 +0000
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