I opened the side door to let Chandler out and again the first thing I see is Corrie’s car sitting in the garage. I am trying to be patient with Ronnie about what he plans to do with it, but it pierces my heart every time I leave and return home. All I can think about was her excitement and pride when she got her own financing and was finally driving a brand new car. She treated that car like a baby and for the most part kept it pretty clean. I look at it and can hear the music it played when she inserted the key. Then it hit me, even if we trade or sell her car, does anyone have an idea how I can get all the other white Ford Fusions off the road so I don’t think it’s her when I pass them on the highway? This is the kind of emotional crap no one can prepare you for. No one can prepare you on how it will feel as a parent to have to deal with her “estate”, to deal with medical bills and insurance, to do the laundry after she’s gone and to continually find those stupid sweet adorable mis-matched socks, to sit at your daughters grave every day after cleaning it and have a one sided conversation. No preparation in the world, you can tell someone beginning this hated process what to expect, but once again there are no words that describes this type of pain and agony, yes agony, of thinking you survived burying your baby, can it get worse? Uh….Hell to the Yes it gets worse. I am beginning to believe that as the months and years progress it will get “better” but not in the sense of “better” BCD, I believe it is easier for us to roll with the pain because of all the practice we are getting. We begin to see and feel the signs of a bad day or lost day, we know how it is going to feel now when something that was once a happy or joyful event for our Corrie now make us so sad to even remember it. We know when our stomach clenches it’s because we are getting ready to lose it so we can excuse ourselves earlier before losing it in front of people AGAIN. Maybe as time goes by, you also begin to actually BELIEVE your child is gone, instead of being somewhere like church and it hits you like 3 tons of bricks and all you can do is shake your head in disbelief, Corrie is gone and will never be sleeping in her room again, will never have children, will never again slam the door with her familiar “oooopppsss“. The old “time heals all ” thingy…..bring it on PLEASE. John 14:18 – No, I will not abandon you or leave you as orphans in the storm-I will come to you. Yesterday I met up with Elizabeth Lauf Berendzen, who as most of you know IS her best friend for life, and we picked up our packets from the Helias Catholic High School Foundation office for Corrie’s memorial race on Sat. When we got outside we looked at the T-shirts (which are very nice) and I had tears in my eyes and I asked my sweet Sheba: When did it begin to hurt so much by reading Corrie’s name? Little Miss Toughy….NOT…said she teared up inside when she saw the Corrie’s name but didn’t want to say anything to me. Sweet girl, you can always cry or yell or scream or laugh with me. Never feel like you have to protect me. I am already protected, by our Lord and Savior, I just have to go through this horror and agony for some reason that will eventually turn out for the good that I know, it’s believing I will have the strength to carry this out that I hope I can do. I love you so much my second daughter and thank you for always calling me. For any of you interested, there is still time to sign up for Corrie’s memorial race. It is a run/walk so you don’t have to worry how fast you are. I believe sign up on Sat. a.m. is 8 - 8:45 and the race begins at Helias Catholic High School on Swifts Highway, Jefferson City at 9:00 a.m. Thank you to the Foundation for making Elena a shirt to wear at her Aunt Corrie’s race. I am up, I am not crying, I am not squeezing the stuffing out of a bear so I am going out on a limb and saying my day is o.k. today…..Lawsy I hope I haven’t spoken too soon…hey I’m Irish, superstitious so I am knocking on wood. I used to always do that to Corrie when she had that bleached blond hair. I’d knock on her head after I said that, a couple of times after I knocked it and she heard me say “KNOCK ON WOOD” she actually said “What?” Is it any wonder I had to go to permanent hair color? Blondie caused the gray to appear way to often, but I’d give both my arms …. Nope make that my legs to have her back, I need my arms to hug her and never let her go. I may have thought at times she was so dang ditzy, wondering how she would survive when Ronnie and I were gone (guess the jokes on me with that one), but one thing, no matter what color hair she sported, that I never wondered about was her heart and faith. Sometimes I would worry how hurt she would get by some mean people and couple of mean selfish guys, but she always managed to pick herself up and never let those idiots cloud her view on God or life. She never closed her heart to people. So baby girl, know that mama does find some peace that your sweet soul and heart is at rest because you can’t hurt in Heaven, especially when you are surrounded by God’s love and protection. We will all be together again, that I am sure, so in the mean time, please come to me, daddy and Brian, please make sure your Elena is surrounded by you and her angels and protect her. I love you to the Heaven and back sweet Corrie, Belle, Deanna, D, Pooks, Pookie, Toogy, Corsie, Corindeana, Cordawg, Mary Corinne. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17 - Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God our Father, who loved us and gave us eternal comfort and good hope through grace, comfort your hearts and establish them in every good work and word. My challenge today is to smile. No matter what just smile. If you want to tell someone to got to H*ll, smile instead and say thank you. It’s hard to do, but every time you do it, send up a prayer to help anyone who is hurting so bad that they can’t smile, send up a prayer with a smile and ask for healing of someone with cancer, smile and send up a prayer of thanksgiving if only for the fact your face isn’t paralyzed and you can smile, smile and send up a prayer of thanksgiving you are not a member of the club. Whatever it is that you smile about without forcing it, remember that probably came from God and He deserves thanks for all that is good AND all of your trials because they are learning lessons and help build your faith in Him if you turn to God with these trials, worries, fear, pain, sadness etc…..you will begin to trust and your love for Him does grow, eventually you realize God doesn’t sit above us, look to your right or left, that is where our Savior stands. Thank you God. Once again I want you to know how appreciative I am for your positive messages and responses to this broken mommy’s posts. God bless all of you and remember, no matter what: God is Great and there is always another double rainbow waiting for us. God bless, LET GO LET GOD, Dimes, pink skies & stars, mismatched socks, magic rocks. lost crock pots, wet puppy dog smells, quiet time, holding hands, I LOVE YOU’s, 3 kisses, summer rains, strong daddies, HOPE, PB&J sandwiches, two handed hugs, double rainbows, wax paper art, Angel feathers, FAITH and Unicorns.
Posted on: Fri, 17 Oct 2014 12:14:25 +0000
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