I prayed for a man for seven years. Not just a random dinner prayer. I mean I got down on my knees and beseeched (begged God with tears) God to change this mans heart and make him useful to Him. I never asked God for anything for myself. I had faith that as long as I was living according to Gods will I would be protected and provided for. I studied Gods word. I didnt just read it to get my time in. I studied it for seven years. I dressed modestly and according to the ways of the Bible so I didnt cause another man to fall into lust. I only listened to music that brought glory to God. I worked from sun up til sun down...just like the Amish...well...longer. I did construction, laid hardwood flooring, and worked for the church. I witnessed to every person I encountered on a daily basis. I have a Bible with the names of 26 neighbors I led to Christ. At a different house I once rounded up 21 neighbor kids and drove them to neighborhood Bible time at church. I was the lady who had a lot of cats and a lot of kids at my house...all the time. They knew I had homemade cookies and popsicles for them. In the summer I was the only person who didnt complain about running city water. My yard was always full of children...sometimes two dozen...playing in the hose, playing tag, or just asking me what they could help with. I went to church three days a week. Saturday, Sunday, and Wednesday. I was head of the childrens program on Wednesday nights...activities were my specialty. After awhile I was asked to be one of the speakers for Kings Daughters. It was kind of like a ladies convention.Usually around 600 ladies. Of course I was honored to do that. After that I started guest speaking in the teenage girls Sunday school class. When all of this craziness wasnt happening my ex and I were part of a ministry called Wings as Eagles. We were missionaries to the missionaries. We would board a nine seater airplane and fly out with about six other men to go do construction work for United States missionaries...well and Canada. My life was busy...but it was good busy. I didnt just make a verbal claim to being a Christian...I made my claim as a Christian. So what happened to me right? How is it that I got where I am today when I worked so hard to get where I was? Short and sweet version is that I allowed a man to hit me, pinch me, slap me, drag me around by my hair, curse at me and call me names, spit in my face, discipline me like a child, kick me when I was already on the floor, humiliate me, belittle me, scream in my face WHY DONT YOU JUST DIE ALREADY. You know what Id do with all of that for seven years? Pray harder, work harder to be a better wife, go to counseling and hide all of this from everyone no matter what. My family suspected something was terribly wrong but had no proof. One night I was eating out with my mom and dad and I accidentally slipped up. My dad said, what did you just say? I looked down and hesitantly repeated it. My dad said, what else does he do to you that you think is normal? We talked for two hours. I came almost completely forward with my nightmare. My mom told me if I stayed he would eventually kill me. I wasnt sure then. I counseled with my childhood pastor. Some of you know him. Pastor Abberger. He told me that if youd learn to shut your mouth he wouldnt hit you. He was very wrong. Getting no reaction made him more violent and angry. I tried counseling with my Baptist pastors wife. After hearing everything she looked at me and said, honey if youre talking like that to your husband then you dont love the Lord. You see...when he would sit on me and hold my arms down I couldnt do anything to fight back...so I would swear at him. Apparently I was supposed to remain silent like all good Baptist girls are taught. Im leaving years worth of gore details out of this. Including the several different ways he tried to have me killed...by accident. One thing rescued me from my nightmare. He blamed me for the death of our son. Something died inside of me. The man Id loved since I was 11 years old finally beat me to death. I packed my bags, abandoned my life, and never looked back. I quit church. Cut everyone out of my life, and moved up north with my parents. No more praying. No more Bible study. No more church or friends. I left our two houses unfinished. Left our flooring business to wither up. I died inside. My life and all that I loved was gone. My sister said to me, Julie dont turn your back on God. I was very upset by this. I angrily said, I didnt turn my back on God. He turned his back on me. I asked him to help a broken man and he only got worse. I asked him to heal my sick baby and he died. I did everything God asked of me no matter how much it hurt and ge couldnt do one thing for me? Not one? ...Ten years have gone by. Now when I talk about my life to new friends its really hard. They dont get it. Its hard for me to let people into my life. So many secrets. So many private nightmares. I just want people to smile and enjoy life until God says, times up. And yet instead I see my friends walk directly into a storm...knowing my life...knowing my story...and I cant help but feel slapped in the face. Men who love you dont hit you. Men who love you dont call you curse words. Men who love you dont belittle you. Men who love you help you not to fall on the floor...they arent the ones who put you there. Men who love you dont scream in your face. Men who love you dont need to show you whos boss. Real men already know whos stronger. Im talking about men. Not punks. Not jocks. Not pretty boys. Men. Ive often been called a man hater. I dont hate men. But I learned how to tell the difference. I got one small red flag when I was seventeen years old. He grabbed me by both arms and slammed me into a door. When I said stop it your hurting me he said youre hurting yourself by trying to get away. Think about those words. My prayer was answered by the way. I learned the hard way that sometimes God is waiting for us to get up and do the thing that were most afraid of before He can bless us. I was most afraid to live without the man I loved. But after I learned how to do that God gave me a real man. My heart is broken today for some of my friends who are ignoring their red flag. And because I love them I spent all morning writing this. Sharing things I dont like to talk about. Please walk away from a guy who hurts you. You will have to do it someday anyway...why choose more scars. Walk away. Dont look back.
Posted on: Sat, 05 Apr 2014 16:47:01 +0000
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