I realize I have different parenting challenges in the years ahead, but today was a rough one. Today my baby girl, Ella, made a discovery in my bedroom, buried under clothing and blankets meant to hide the chocolate coated, marshmallowy evidence, that which she was very obviously not yet ready to see. In fact, even after seeing the stash, I dont think she quite understood it all. But as she brought it downstairs, after continuous requests from me to stay out of my room today, I was upset and confessed to that which I had incorrectly guessed she had already figured out. I might as well have punched her right in the nose. The shock on my little girls face was awful to witness. And it was all my fault. Lillian and Sofie figured it out in time on their own. No explicit conversation was ever held. But my Ella is a dreamer. And a wildly trusting soul. She truly had her world crushed today. Mom and Dad have been lying to her. She sobbed. She screamed. She felt ill. And then the words, I suppose now youre going to tell me that Santa Claus isnt real! A pause. I couldnt take away the magic, the dream, so I told her that yes, Santa Claus was real. And in a way he is. But I knew what she was accusing me of. And I didnt have the heart to crush all of her dreams today. After she calmed down, I sat by her and cried my own tears and I tried to explain that I love her more than anything in this whole world and I was only continuing the magic of my childhood and never meant to hurt her. After asking her to look at me 4 or 5 times, she finally turned her eyes up to meet mine...and we shared a look of pain and of loss....and we both cried together and hugged. How silly it is to cry over the Easter Bunny, right? But today I saw her struggle with trust, I saw her struggle with belief and I saw her hurt over knowing too much. I saw this person that still carries the hands of a little girl, lose a bit of her innocence. And it was all my fault. Growing up is hard. But watching this wide-eyed, trusting, beautiful 9 year old girl ache the way she did today is one of the most painful experiences of my life. And I feel like the veil of innocence was lifted from these parental eyes, reminding me that its not always going to be sunshine and roses for this little girl of mine, no matter how much I want that to be true. So please, dont tell me things like it only gets worse or just wait until shes a teenager. Right now, I just need to be told that Santa Claus is real, that the tooth fairy isnt a lie and that, really, its all going to be ok.
Posted on: Sun, 20 Apr 2014 05:59:39 +0000
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