I realize I never went into great detail about my second appointment with the high risk doctor because none of that mattered- all that mattered was that we were told we would have time with him. But I figured Id explain exactly what is wrong, I wish I could tell you the medical terms for everything thats wrong but I wasnt really processing that part. As far as his kidneys go he said they are double the size of what they should be but they do not/will not function at all. His heart has holes in it and his pulmonary valve is half the size its supposed to be, he said his lungs wont function properly without the amniotic fluid because that is what helps them to learn to swallow and breath, and when I asked about the abdomen, I had to ask the high risk doctor what my OB meant by that- he said that he has no room to move which in turn makes his organs appear very crammed together. We asked if he was in pain and the doctor said no, that he just feels very tightly swaddled (though I dont know how they can be sure of that.) He also said since amniotic fluid is what protects my belly from him and because I have none I will feel everything intensified. He said every kick and jab and twist will be felt, x 10. In turn so will every contraction when I go into labor. I think the shock began to wear off last night and now Im beginning to really soak in all of this pain. Its the kind of pain where every cell in your body literally hurts. Its excruciating. If I told you I wasnt angry Id be lying, I am furious that this can and does happen. When you are given this type of prognosis you cannot help but think of all the things you will never get to experience with that baby- the possibility that I will never get to nurse him or hear him laugh or watch him crawl, then walk, then run. One thing I do know is that no matter how short his life may be he has already changed mine forever.
Posted on: Sun, 17 Aug 2014 00:39:46 +0000
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