I really dont understand. I modified my behavior repeatedly in order to attempt to be a more ... non-detestable existence. I was too fragile, so I cut out my heart. I was too clingy, so I distanced myself. I deviated from my flow state, so I converted to complete ambivalence and aloofness. I dont understand who I was supposed to be. It doesnt matter anymore. Im dead to them this time, Im sure. But I wish I even had any idea who I was ever supposed to be in order to be someone not detestable or obnoxious or pitiable. I wish I had any sort of diagnostic ability for this kind of history. I dont even know how to analyze it. The only conclusion I can reach, lacking any ability to make sense of it, is that I am not now, have never been, and will never be good enough of a human being to BE a human being, that I am unfixably broken and incompatible with human interaction beyond surface levels.
Posted on: Sun, 18 Jan 2015 23:53:20 +0000
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