I sat on the edge my bed, holding on to the fistful of pills I had collected from the mothers medicine cabinet. The violence and the noise and the wars raged were becoming constant within me now. The idea that I might be better off gone and that my family might be lighter, better taken care of, and simply better off, was totally clear to me. What I was, at 16 years old, had no name and had no place. I was lost and there was no way back. There was a darkness and a venous future staring me in the face as I was headed towards a life as Scott and that, among everything I believed to be true, was just too much for me. The awful disgusting shameful truth of being Transgender was thick with guilt and cost too much. So this was the only way out. It was 1978 and I had run out of options. As the TV blared, I closed my bedroom door and watched the sun dance through the window of my room. I stared at my feet for a moment and through the sound of the nothingness I heard a voice and a laugh and a small round of applause. The Phil Donahue Show was on and sitting in 4 chairs were the most beautiful, vivacious, intelligent, hilarious and enigmatic women I had ever seen. It turned out Phil was interviewing these ladies because these ladies, it turns out were just like me. My heart stopped and I sat in a pause. I found myself smiling for the first time in a long time, and I stood on my feet, and I pointed to the TV and I said to the Universe in a very soft voice: Oh .....there I am. Two of those women on that show are in the above clip. One of them, the beautiful and serenely peaceful Leslie Rejennea on the far right, and in the center, gesturing and in harmony with her own fabulous identity, is Chili Pepper. I still maintain that Chili saved my life that day. That I was able to get a look at myself, and through some Divine intervention and a stroke of chaotic randomness, that whatever force was leading me toward life, lead me toward her as well. Chili eventually became part of my family. Eventually, she and I were able to see each other daily and hourly as I booked a 5 year job at the Baton in Chicago in the late 80s. We moved through time and space and eventually landed close enough to hold on to each other, any time we wanted. I have traveled far in my life and I have considered myself both lucky and blessed. I am humbled by whatever has happened and I am finally at ease with it. But I am never far away from my past and I am eternally grateful for the generations who have selflessly given away part of who they were, in order for the rest of us to survive where we are. We have lost many. We have recovered some. And we have gained much. But we are never totally without. Not if we take a chance to give back and allow ourselves to be seen. To take up space, To find the truth within the lies of what weve been told. And so I take my brothers and sister with me always and I pray for more guidance and constantly try to give my heart as openly and as often as I have been taught to. I sit on the edge of the cliff now, ready and eager to leap. No pills. Plenty of fear. And utterly protected. Thank you for being my teachers. Thank you for staying here. Thank you for my life.
Posted on: Sat, 17 Jan 2015 02:04:26 +0000
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