I see a lot of the year-in-retrospective things cropping up, and it has me mulling over my own year, and considering doing a post. I usually dislike these things; I have this nagging fear that posting negative stuff to social media will look like a plea for sympathy and attention, and even when I do use it as a sort of emotional outlet, I feel a lot of guilt and shame, like Ive been caught weeping in public. Its not been an easy year. I ended one relationship and then started another far too soon. I moved twice, which is a degree of upheaval that takes a while from which to recover. Spring and summer were a long, slow decline into self-doubt and uncertainty, until, at the height of summer, I was pretty much as depressed as I think Ive ever been. I stalled and then ended another relationship. I questioned my choices, and my path, and wondered what I was doing with myself. I doubted my ability to connect with people, to have permanency in my life. I craved stability, but at the same time felt no comfort anywhere. It was a rough summer, and I know I made it difficult both for myself and for my loved ones. The hardest thing for me is in looking back at the broken remains of friendships that were very previous to me. I am, by no means, a perfect person. In a lot of ways I wear my faults, like my heart, on my sleeve. Im a terrible communicator; I tend to withdraw when Im sad or upset, rather than confront. Im godawful at staying in touch over any distance. Im hopelessly romantic, and sometimes it seems like I cant contain my feelings, or constrain them to a proper growth cycle. But I feel it all, and I feel it very genuinely. Nothing hurts more than having the genuine love and friendship and joy you share with someone be re-imagined into something else. I dont love perfectly, but I love honestly. Im one of those poor suckers who just doesnt stop loving, even after things go south and people part ways. More than one partner has commented on it, describing it as a positive, but in a pitying sort of way: Sean always has something good to say about his exes, like its a mixed blessing. I dont know how to turn love into hate, no matter how expedient. It might be easier to just vilify people, but I dont think Ive ever loved someone who didnt genuinely love me back. Since there are a small number of former partners on this Facebook, I hope this doesnt seem self-serving. Even when my relationships fail (and they sometimes do so spectacularly) it doesnt erase the fact that there was love, and joy, and companionship, and two people who shared very deeply, even if it couldnt be forever. A lot of positive came out of the year as well. I moved in with Todd, who has become one of my closest friends and confidants. Ive always liked him, but in living with him, and spending late nights talking to him, his qualities are impossible to ignore or oversell. I reinvested in friendships Id allowed to slip away, like with Jim, Miguel, and Roby (to name only a few). Im still terrible at keeping in touch, but that doesnt change the depth of loyalty I feel for people. Ive had a lot of time to examine my choices and my desires, and come to grips with what I want from life, and why, and what Im willing to let go of along the way. Its all been useful, if not particularly easy. And as the New Year approaches, I feel an odd sort of peace. Its the mixed serenity of exhaustion and acceptance. Things are not perfect. If I had a magic wand, youd be seeing a hot blur from all the waving. But Ive come out of my long dark summer reasonably intact, and I dont begrudge the scars Ive acquired, both earned and unearned. But I can sleep through the night. And I can listen to music without every other song being a minefield of connotation and association. And I can think about the future without despair, and dwell on the past without falling to pieces. In general, things are improving. So my ultimate message is this: Im okay. Thank you everyone for your friendship and forbearance, for your patience and tolerance. I dont know all of you very well; some are only passing acquaintances, so without a ton of context this may seem like a wild emotional scree. You have my apologies and my sympathies. Even with context it probably still seems that way. But I appreciate the people I have in my life, and even the people I dont have in my life. I really dont have anything bad to say, which seems properly Christmassy. I hope everyone, one and all, find as much happiness and joy as they can muster. And as one year winds into the next, I hope you continue to do so, whatever other trials you must endure.
Posted on: Mon, 22 Dec 2014 22:09:54 +0000
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