I sort of disappeared over here for a bit. Its hard, when I created this page as an outlet for my ptsd, being told to write things down, wanting to do so publicly so that other knew they werent alone. Yet, I know when you feel on a high, you dont want to read someone elses hurt and be dragged back to it. What Im feeling isnt necessarily anger or depression but knew to me so I want to put it out here, hoping that through the writing, sense will come to my mind about it. I wouldnt say I have a high pressure job - Im not a cop, firefighter, or anything like that. Me? Im an insurance manager and ACA is kicking my trash. Before it was just sign someone up or dont, they met the deadline or didnt, easy breezy, simple - just make sure everything balanced at the end of the month. NOW, since my company didnt want to remove the benefit of health insurance, we joined the exchange and my stress level has maxed. Employees, used to the old way, arent adapting and its my head and job on the line they dont realize. Now its we HAVE to have 75% of employees enrolled, we HAVE to give them the opportunity and even if you send the paperwork they can claim you didnt because they missed their deadline. Balancing is now 3 months worth due to carrier deadlines being different then enrollments and auditing each month to make sure no one falls through the cracks. When they do - what will be the penalty to the company and therefore to me? I used to THRIVE over stress like this. I was - no I still AM a perfectionist. I work for siblings and they expect 150% and as perfectionist as well, do not sit well with mistakes of family. Their children, other employees, that is okay, it is forgivable - reset and move on. Family? that is beyond disappointing, werent we raised the same way? How could you fail? It sounds bad but in actuality it is truth. My siblings and I were raised to hold each other up to the standards our parents set. If we failed, well that was different and most of us dont take that too hard. I fail on all levels. I am the youngest, I was raised to be the peace keeper, to pander to my older siblings wants and needs whether good or bad, just to keep a peace so my mother didnt have more to worry about and so that I did not disappoint her. My father, 25 yr Army Vet - well can guess? He expected 150% - if you were going to do it, do it right and right the first time. If it was wrong, youd better fix it and it was your responsibility until it was complete. Didnt matter if it was someone else who could fix it - still your head. Since I was little I always picked myself up by my bootstraps and carried on. There was no mental illness in my dads world, no depression, no issues - YOU were in control of YOUR world and if something was wrong with it - you fixed it. That cartoon that says Stress is what holds me together? They really had no idea. I was a workaholic when I married - 20 yrs old and working 100+ hrs a pay period- yep, for family. Priorities changed and I started taking time off - with that came migraines. As enticing as time off is - did I really want to take it when every time it brought with it a migraine? My body did not know how to relax, toxins highly built up and weekends became torturous. Moving forward 20+ yrs, 8 yrs into PTSD, FINALLY having learned how to relax enough to find my place. The last few weeks Ive been fighting monster headaches again - my mind KNOWS what I need - to relax, to understand it isnt all on me giving people their own responsibility for actions or not and yet, my body refuses. Hyper-arousal is kicking my trash and winning. My sleep is once more interrupted again - thankfully not to innsomnia yet again - Im hungry but cant really eat and therefore my body is gaining more weight. My mind and my body war almost constantly throughout most of the day - relax, no but this, relax, not but that, RELAX - FINE and my head screams at me and my stomach rolls as I hold throwing up back. My body shakes with the constant tension, the no food factor and non-resting sleep pattern. Distractions last only a few hours - like the movie last night, even though I fought with legs fidgets the entire time. I thought I had found some peace - was over the worst and yet, lol how prideful and stupid of me. Do I not know by now that NOTHING is in my control and that is the worst part of it? That I am human, I am fallible, I am weak, and I cannot live up to what has been asked of me for so many years and yet, how do I reset the pattern of almost 40 yrs.
Posted on: Sat, 08 Nov 2014 21:27:11 +0000
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