I started writing this yesterday, and realized after sleeping on it that I was writing from a place of fear, which was only half finished at a page and a half. I was (and am) nervous that posting this would cause other people to say all the things I said to myself for years. Earlier today I edited it from a place of anger. I was angry that something which is ultimately about love could potentially be seen as wrong. It was much shorter, but ultimately did not achieve what I wanted it to. I will ramble a little, because I think it is important for some to know why I am making this post, and why I am making it now. I will try to address some main questions, so if this is too long and you do not read, maybe refrain from commenting. Questions are very welcome. Name calling and accusations are not welcome. If this causes you to forget everything else you know of me as a person and a friend, I might politely suggest that you stick it somewhere uncomfortable. I am Astrid Gwendolyn, and I am polyamorous. What on earth you may ask is polyamory? Well, long story short it is having more than one lover at once. There are many, many diverse ways this translates to real life relationships, and I in no way speak for everyone who identifies as poly. In my case it is being in more than one relationship at once. Everyone is informed of this; it is not cheating. Every relationship, open, exclusive, or anywhere in between essentially amounts to a partnership in which terms are agreed upon. If a partner violates those terms, its generally Bad. Poly relationships are no different. If someone cheats (does something they are not supposed to do, and lies to their partner(s) about it) and then calls that polyamory, they are not actually poly, they are a jerk. Oh I see, but that cant be serious, can it? It can. I am serious about my partners, and I sincerely hope they are serious about me too. I have been tossed aside in the past because someone was mistaken about this fact, and it is still pretty high up on the list of painful things which have happened. Its just a phase/you just need to meet the right guy! Would you tell me that if I were coming out as gay? I really hope you wouldnt because as well-meaning as it sounds, it implies that you think there is something wrong with me that needs to be fixed, or that I just havent thought about it properly. Maybe something will shift or change, but it hasnt yet, and Im tired of people trying to win my exclusivity. But you cant have your cake and eat it too! What does this even mean? Cake is, unfortunately, finite. Love is not. And you cant eat a relationship. This response just confuses me more than anything. The boys you are with are just putting up with your shit! You are manipulating them! Im sorry, give them some credit. They can make their own decisions. I am not forcing anyone to be with me. If my honesty and my love is enough for them, its not really your business. You just dont want to put the work into making one relationship work. One could say the same to someone who has several consecutive exclusive relationships. Any relationship is hard work. The relationships I am in take work. We work to make sure communication is open, that needs are met, and boundaries are respected. Many exclusive relationships work in this way, and many dont. Poly is no different. In the words of a friend if you think one relationship is hard, try three. The assumption that poly is an easy way out has never made any sense to me. Well if its a lot of work, why are you poly? It is absolutely worth it. To feel a mutual connection with someone and pursue it is a wonderful thing. Feeling that same connection and having to squash it is pretty horrible. Each partner is absolutely wonderful, absolutely enough. Polyamory is not seeking out in one relationship what is lacking in another. It is following love where it is found. When did you realize you were poly? This is a tricky question. I broke up with my first boyfriend at age 13 because I liked someone else and I was afraid this made me a bad person and a horrible girlfriend. The relationships which followed were... hard. Denying feelings and connections with others has never worked for me, and for a long time, I was pretty miserable. I thought I was wrong, broken, malfunctioning, and worse. At 18, I told the person I was dating at the time that I wanted to see other people. This went.. well, how it went is a different story.About a year later, a good friend (oddly, he was that first boyfriend, funny ol world isnt it) asked me if I had ever considered polyamory. Whats a polyamory, said I. The sense of relief I felt that there was a word for how I was, that it wasnt universally despised, and that I wasnt alone was immense. It has taken me since then to get to a place where it is working properly, though I think many people in many sorts of relationships can attest to things taking a while to sort out. So do you think poly is the right way of doing things? For me? Yes, at least so far. For everyone else? Absolutely not my business! Why is this important? This is important because after so many years of feeling ashamed, Im finally in a secure enough place to discuss this more openly. I know I do not face many of the very real horrors those in the LGBTQ community face in many places, and Im thankful for that. I know I dont face losing my job, my family, or my home because the wrong person found out about my relationships. This is still important. It is important because maybe the more of us there are saying hey, my experiences differ from normal in the eyes of society, the safer it will be to say so, no matter how one differs. It is important because there are too many people, especially young people, who do themselves massive harm every day because they believe they are wrong and broken and alone. The difference it made to me to find out I was not alone was astronomical. If I can help even one person in this way, I will have made a positive difference. I am saying this now because it is not something I am ashamed of and I am tired of having it treated as such. I want people to be able to talk to me about this openly, and I want to be openly joyful about the people in my life. I think this is all I will say for now, though it is far from everything. Subsequent posts and comments and questions can address the rest. Thank you for your time and have a nice night.
Posted on: Mon, 27 Oct 2014 06:22:07 +0000
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