I suppose it is Veterans Day... Not that I dont appreciate my brothers and sisters who have gone before me or the ones I was so humbled to get to work with past/present/future. I feel as if I have no done enough just yet for our country thus I cannot place myself on the same pedestal as fore mentioned. Big thanks to the ones currently in service for mentoring, motivating and most importantly inspiring me. Now for those curious, heres the quick low down on how to simulate shipboard life. Take a minute to humble yourself and laugh off the snow front... or laugh at us stuck in the snow! Cheers. 1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight. 2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls. 3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement deck gray. 4. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower. 5. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured. 6. Raise your bed to within 15 inches of the ceiling. 7. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 0500 and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up. 8. Have your mother-in-law write down everything shes going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you. 9. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if its ok for you to leave your house before 3pm. 10. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, and then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home... you cant leave until the next day because you have duty. 11. Shower with above-mentioned-- friends. 12. Make your families qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.). 13. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes. 14. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly lighted off. 15. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not. 16. Repaint your entire house once a month. 17. Turn off the power and cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on. 18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item. 19. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch FOX News and the Weather Channel. 20. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one. 21. Have your 15-year-old cousin give you a haircut with paper scissors. 22. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants. 23. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it world travel. 24. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted. 25. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers. 26. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed. 27. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. (General quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations) 28. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator. 29. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they dont pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs. 30. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off. 31. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals. 32. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week youre going to take them to Disneyland for weekend liberty. At the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Engineering-certification, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house. 33. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble Sorry, wrong rack. 34. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down. 35. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket. 36. Have the paperboy give you a haircut. 37. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints. 38. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in a paint sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbors car. Ignore his complaints. 39. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car. 40. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub. 41. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, and stuff your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose (simulates a fire drill) 42. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together again. 43. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them. 44. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout Man overboard, starboard side Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen stowed for sea. 45. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but dont plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your stove. Say ... to no one in particular Stove manned and ready Stand there for three or four hours. And say again to no one in particular stove secured. Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.
Posted on: Tue, 11 Nov 2014 20:20:26 +0000
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