I think Ill just type with my eyes closed. Its probably my last time here in my hometown (Toledo, Ohio)...at least till Thanksgiving and then Ill have my husband here...but still, it may be my last time here. My parents are moving away from the place that made me. They are nervous. They are excited. They are going either way to the grandchildren my brother has provided. The grandchildren are now the everything. What does it feel like here in the basement of my parents home? The home I did not grow up in, but came to for all the years AFTER the home I grew up in (only a mile from the home I DID grow up in)? Its just minutes away from everything that made me what I am? Hhmmmmnnnnnmmmmmhmmmmmmm.... I am drunk and stupid and what I say now is just the truth and so holds not bearing on real life. It smells like home. The trains I hear are the same I heard as a kid, sitting on my windowsill dreaming of a life outside this town. I used to take the screen out of my window and sit, leg dangling out my windowsill, listening to the trains that came through taking things and people out of this town. I dont know how to interact with my parents. They are now at once my equals, my children, my PARENTS, my world!! and both the saviors and bane of my existence. I cannot take one without the other. They are my world. They are me. They are everything. My Mother: Oh jesus. She is me and I am her and I dont know how to deal with it. I am at once proud of all she has done, accomplished and become and annoyed at who she isnt and what she will never be. She is sooooo me. Me plus time. Future me... and I dont want to be her, and yet she is better than me in so many ways. I dont know how to relate to her. Im afraid of her. I am afraid it will be too late if I dont relate to her. Time is short. My Father. Perfect in every way. No. I know this is not true, but I feel it.. and have felt it my whole life. I know there must be a terrible flaw there somewhere, but neither me nor anyone else has ever found it. That is frightening, yet he remains perfect. I cant imagine he will ever be anything but perfect. More tomorrow....
Posted on: Sun, 07 Sep 2014 07:37:14 +0000
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