I think it was all about expectations. I now realize that I have a kind of cultured know-it-all perception of myself that takes pleasure in pointing out what is not good, in discriminating, reasoning and comparing myself to everyone else, which is probably where my self-deprecation comes from. In other words, I think I am my harshest critic. Actually, I dont really need anyone else to criticize me because I have probably already put into consideration whatever negative thing someone has to say about what I do/wear/ choose to be before others have. So its all so pointless, really. I have so many superhuman expectations of myself that the expectations of others for me pale into insignificance if compared. Back then of course, when I did not know better, I really believed that I should be able to know everything, handle everything, be on top of everything and when I was caught unprepared, instead of just admitting it, I would actually get defensive or feel guilty (or both). Then it occurred to me that maybe I can just admit I was unprepared for the cards Ive been dealt and that that was okay too.
Posted on: Mon, 03 Feb 2014 14:07:58 +0000
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