I think that the 2 greatest things Ive learned in my recovery are that it is okay to feel whatever it is that youre feeling, no matter what it is, what its about, etc. There is no right or wrong way to feel. Ive learned not to question whether or not what Im feeling is okay. Just because its not normal to someone else doesnt mean that Im abnormal for feeling a certain way. Second, and most importantly, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ACTIONS OR REACTIONS OF ANYONE ELSE. I still have to remind myself of this fact on a daily basis. How anyone else chooses to behave is not my concern, and it can only affect me if I choose to allow it to affect me. Also, for the record, addicts in recovery dont get anywhere near the amount of credit or recognition that they deserve. And I dont care if I sound selfish for saying that. I was selfish in active addiction. Im now selfLESS in the sense that I make the conscious decision EVERY DAY to stay sober. If I used, Id be harming and hurting myself, my daughter, my family, my friends and everyone that I care about. By choosing to stay clean, the lives of everyone around me are more positive as a result. But even with more than 2 years clean, Id be full of shit if I said it got easier. In the midst of a full-blown panic attack, I cant make sense of anything let alone my own thought process. The path of least resistance is only one step away. I could get a bag of heroin right now if I really wanted to. I could numb my emotions like I used to. I could do what makes me comfortable rather than what makes me stronger. But even right now, at a time in my life when I feel more vulnerable than i ever have, Im able to say no. Im able to suck up the panic and the irrational thoughts and the debilitating depression and remember that NO MATTER WHAT, I wont pick up. The hell that I feel now is just that: a feeling. It will pass. The hell that I felt back then, in active addiction, was my REALITY. The reality that I chose for myself. So Im giving myself a pat on the back for continuing in my sobriety. For remembering that the evil thoughts are always gonna be there and that its my choice whether or not I let them overcome me. I am selfless and strong because Im in recovery. The only thing that I truly believe that I should have done differently is really work a 12 step program, if for no other reason than the fact that I could REALLY use a sponsor right now. Therapy once a week sometimes just isnt enough. And Im not weak for admitting that, Im strong for recognizing it. To all of you who have overcome your addictions, YOU ARE AWESOME. You deserve to be recognized for that accomplishment daily. To all of you who have not yet overcome it - YOU WILL! I have faith in each and every one of you. One thing that remains constant is that clean or not, were all addicts! So from one addict to another - I love you all. If theres ever anything at all that I can do to help anyone, please dont hesitate to reach out. Were all a little nuts! I dont care if I sound nuts right now for posting this. Being silent isnt helping me or anyone else.
Posted on: Wed, 29 Oct 2014 23:33:06 +0000
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